I've found myself lately doing something slightly strange. When I look at a guy who I think is cute I wonder what expression will be on his face if I was giving him a blow job. I enjoy doing this and honestly I've been told I'm pretty good at it. But for some reason lately I've been thinking about the different faces guys make, the noises they make. Its that whole everyone is different concept. Its just something I've been doing lately, I'm not sure why. Does it make sense? I don't really care if it does. I had to work in Mt. Airy today for managers training and I found myself studying some of the guys that came through. Usually guys that attract me are between the age of 25-35 or so, and they all look different. There isn't just one thing about a guy that attracts me, there isn't a certain type that I go for. I can look at a guy and his eyes can catch my attention or he'll have a cute smile or his hair will be really cool. He could be skinny or not, he could be really tall or my height, sometimes even shorter then me. I know I'm just babbling, I'm just having a hard time curbing my thoughts. I use sex and thoughts of sex to cover up what's really going on in my life, I already know this. But I've never not been able to control it before, does that make sense? Like I've always thought about sex but not with every guy who I find attractive. There are guys in my life that I really care about and part of me wishes I was still as close to them as I used to be, but I don't think about sex with them. I haven't had sex with a lot of guys I've cared a lot for. It's really sad that I've had sex with more guys that didn't mean anything to me, that if I never saw them again it wouldn't hurt me at all, then I have with guys I really cared about. Its like stamp WHORE on my forehead. I'm having a few bad days, trying to find myself in this big world. I keep trying to figure out how I ended up here where I am. I keep wondering if I'm ever going to stop having to tread water, if I would just be able to float. Every time I try to float I end up sinking to the bottom, I'm sinking right now. I'm struggling so hard to keep up, I'm having such a tough time trying to keep everything in line, get everything done and still enjoy my life while I'm at it. I need to stop going for guys that I think I'm worthy of, guys that are lower on the scale, who really don't treat me good and who aren't worth my time. These are guys who constantly make fun of me, treat it as a joke but are just really insulting me. The guys that call me names, tell me I'm stupid. I used to believe them, but I know better, I know I'm better. So yeah I'm alone right now because I know I'm worth more then that. And what sucks is that no matter how much I know I'm worth more then that I want to go back to being not worth more then that so I'm not alone. This whole fucking blog makes no sense I'm sure but to me it makes perfect sense. I want sex, because I want to feel loved, because I'm lonely, because I've pushed away all the guys who treated me bad, because I didn't deserve it but now I'm all alone because of it. What a fucked up situation this is turning out to be.
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