I'm a bitch
So things have been pretty shitty lately. Last week the guy I was talking to/seeing told me he decided to date this other girl. So that was kinda shitty and it hurt my feelings but in the end I'm sure I'm better off, right. Idk, I guess it bothered me cause he always wanted to hang out and do stuff but kept saying he didn't want to date anyone right now. Then tells me he's decided to date this other girl, which means he just wasn't into me but he did want to have sex. I''m just glad I didn't sleep with him. Cause if I had I'd feel pretty dirty right about now.
In other news I'm barely passing my classes cause I'm having trouble balancing school and work and my kid. It seems like there is so much homework and no time to do it. My house is a mess and my life is just as bad. Emotionally I'm fine, tired of assholes and I'm not really for the drama right now. I've pretty much just stopped talking to most of the guys I was, cause they all just want sex. They don't see me as dating material, which totally sucks, but they see me as that option. But its ok, cause I know this about most of the guys I know and I avoid it.
I'm being forced to move up at work. Its either move up or move down and lose my keys and manager privileges. Moving up means I have to start another workbook and its really intense training that I just don't have time for. And I said multiple times that I can't handle anymore right now but my GM doesn't want to move me down because he likes me running shifts, i know what I'm doing. So I finally gave in and agreed to move up, but I don't know how I'm going to fit that in on top of everything. I didn't have time to study for the quiz/test at work so he fudged it for me so he could get it in by the deadline, he didn't even tell me until a week later. Its just so I get into the 2nd group of training, since the first group already started. I feel like I'm getting ready to explode. Spring is almost here, I want to go outside and plant and garden and take Austin outside to play but I'm stuck inside with my books trying to concentrate. I've got my ex boyfriend coming around just to take Austin outside to play and to keep the dishes up, I've been giving him a little money for helping me since he's only working odd jobs. I've been doing laundry at scattered moments, tossing a load in at random, not even sorting anything. I've got some white panties that are now pink cause of a red shirt I bought Austin, but who has time to sort anything, I just toss it in and keep going. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. Spring break is coming up but before that I have midterms. Yup more tests that I can't find time to study for. I'm going to have to take more time off at work and I can't afford that either. Does anyone understand how frustrating this is? I have a group/class discussion tomorrow at 6pm and you know what, I'll be at work, so I fail that grade. And it doesn't matter that I have to work, that's not a fucking priority to these people. I just want to scream sometimes. Like right now I'm ready to pull my hair out. Austin isn't sleeping through the night anymore, he's getting up at 2am and coming into my room after having a nightmare and wants me to hold him for however long. I can't sleep like that. I have to sleep facing away from whoever is there because I feel smothered. So that's making me lose sleep. My gm has been scheduling me random either nights or days which just makes it hard as hell on me to make time for anything. He'll schedule me to close and we'll get out at like 1130pm and then I turn around and have to be back in at either 9am or 11am and work until 4 or 5pm. Then I get Austin, go home, take a shower make dinner and spend time with him, then I'm exhausted and give him a bath and get him to bed. Its 9pm by then and I've got to do homework, get to bed about 11pm and be back up at 6am to get him off to school. You see the pattern? I'm not getting much sleep, I'm running out of steam and I just wish I had some help. His dad is useless unless its every other weekend when he is supposed to have him, and I can't ask my mom to help anymore then i already have. So for now I'm paying my ex for a little help and praying I can at least pass by the skin of my teeth this semester.
Oh and I started weight watchers online. It feels great. I'm actually eating better, and it doesn't take but a few minutes to record what I'm eating and any activity I do so its not that much of a burden. I wish I had a droid or an iphone cause then I could just record everything while I'm doing it, instead of having to sit down when I get home and put it all in there. I'm wasting precious sleep and homework time to write this but sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and sit down and let it all out. Either that or I'll end up throwing a rock at a passing vehicle and do some jail time or something else self destructive. I'd love to have a margarita while sitting on the beach in the bahamas or somewhere tropical right now. Jamaica would be fucking awesome at the moment. Just anywhere but here.
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