We spend so much time trying to find that perfect someone. So many times we think we found the person we were looking for and then they turn out to be someone you didn't imagine. I look in the mirror everyday and think that maybe if I was someone different I'd be happy. That maybe if I smiled a little bit more, if I changed my hair or lost some weight I'd find someone to keep me happy. But the reality is that no one is always happy. Some of us just have a chemical imbalance that makes happiness a hit and miss. I do what I can to get by, I take my meds and pray everyday that I'll make it through without having a panic attack. I hide behind this fake smile, hiding all the fear I feel behind a mask of happiness that if you look close enough resembles sorrow. Fear of never being understood, of people judging me based on what they THINK they know. That I'm just another statistic, a number in someone's survey for a college thesis. Another person told to take my pills and move on, while no one really understands why my mind works the way it does, no one understands why I need random attention, why the tears fall uncontrollably. I have wished for so long that someone would just feel things that I feel, that when I try to explain the reason I count things, why I can't sit still, why I concentrate on how deep I breathe, that someone would just smile and say that makes complete sense. I'm smiling now. I real smile. Josh has been an eye opener. Its amazing that all the things I needed, for that one person I needed to understand to just randomly fall in my lap. I left him mad today, I wanted attention and he wasn't in a giving mood. But I know why I wanted extra attention, I haven't been taking my meds like I'm supposed to. He knows why I'm acting like I am. He let me walk away mad because neither of us is willing to butt heads the way other couples do. I had the opportunity to do something that would have killed our relationship, I could have cheated. I had the offer, I was so angry and hurt that I automatically fell back on the only solution I've ever been able to find. I could have gone to someone else. I haven't had sex in 4 weeks. 4 weeks ago nothing would have stopped me from going to someone else, but the smile on Josh's face when he's playing with Austin. The passion I feel when he kisses me. The fact that I know our relationship is built on way more then sex. So I made a better move, I reached out to my mom and even to Ken. Ken pretty much told me not to do something I would definately regret and my mom reminded me that no matter what reason she gave me to walk away from Josh I stood up and defended him with my all. Knowing that Austin loves him as much as I do played a major factor. As I pulled into the parking lot here, I looked out my window and saw a rainbow. I haven't seen one in forever. Maybe its stupid, and yes I do know what causes a rainbow. But in my mind, it was almost like God was sending me a sign that I made the right decision. I came home, made dinner and curled up to watch episodes of CSI:NY on Netflix. Might not have been the most entertaining evening, but I was happy with it. Being with Josh would have made it better. But I've come to realize something, excitement doesn't mean happiness. Things aren't always what we expect, but we deal with them in the best way we can. Lately I've felt like I'm about to crack, that no matter what I do I won't be able to hold myself together. Emotions roll through me like waves in the ocean. I can't control how hard, fast or high they hit the surface but I can keep myself away from the waters edge. So I'm getting ready to go to bed, but before I do I'll say a prayer that I'll get through tomorrow and I'll take my meds. Being bi-polar doesn't mean my life is over, it just means I'm different. And what's so bad about that? Why would I want to be like the rest of you people??? |
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