You know its kind of dirty how things work out. And its kind of messed up the way things come about and the people who get hurt. Its really depressing at times to think I'll spend the rest of my life taking pills to keep me 'normal'. What the fuck is normal? Its not even a setting on most of the newer washing machines. They've finally realized there are way to many ways to wash clothes that normal isn't even one of them. And I know for certain half the people around me aren't normal. Besides in this day and age being fucked up in the majority. All these people who claim to be something they aren't to get out of spending time at work. I had a panic attack at work on Saturday, I've finally figured out its triggered by too many people and feeling like I can't get away. I left work, I had to, I came home and took a pill, waited a few minutes and talked to Mike on the phone. I was a mess. Inside I wanted to crawl back in bed and not come out but I kept thinking I need this job. I need to suck it up and go back there. And granted it took me a little while to convince myself I had to go back, but I went back and there weren't so many people. Greg and David, managers on duty joked around about it to make me feel better and then sent me on break to make sure I'd be ok. Shows how a close knit job can be good when you have people who actually care about you. Ok some days they are assholes but atleast they care enough to not be jerks all the time. I took a break and then went back to work and by then I was so mellow I was pretty much floating and nothing could effect me. My drive thru times sucked cause they were so slow at making food and all I did was laugh about it. After work Mike came over and we had sex, then laid in bed for a long time just cuddling and talking a little. I cried a little. I have a hard time figureing out why he's with me. I'm not all that pretty, he's so skinny compared to me. There are other girls out there that would love to be with him, he's sweet as sugar and loves me to death but I don't understand why. I guess its one of those stupid things I shouldn't even think about but plagues my mind. You know what really gets me, he puts up with my crazyass without complaint. Its almost like he enjoys it. Always asking what happened now and all that. I mean literally I'm amazed at how patient he is with things that happen. He's getting used to the fact that having Austin with us is always dramatic. When Austin cried after seeing Ken the other night at Walmart Mike looked ready to kill Ken and heartbroken at the same time because his little buddy was upset. And they've become pals, they watch cartoons together. And its great because Mike SUCKS at guitar hero while I'm pretty good. I wouldn't win any contests but at least I can beat him at something. He's such a hardcore gamer he even has one of those headset things for his PS3 where he can talk to the other guys when he's playing Socom and whatever that other game is. For me to be better at just one game has got to kill him, but I'm loving it for now because I know in a few weeks he'll be kicking my ass. Austin is learning more and more everyday and Mike gets just as excited when he says something new as I do. I know if he reads this he's going kill me for saying all this but I see things he doesn't, he's a great guy, I just wish he'd give himself a little more credit and stop thinking he's not good enough. Guess I just slapped myself in the face on that one huh. I need to stop thinking I'm not good enough to be with him and he needs to stop thinking he's not good for Austin. Sometimes things just work out and sometimes you have to turn those lemons into flying projectiles....hurl them at those fuckers who wear the plaid shorts with the shirts that don't match. |
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