I've been moody as hell. I just got my period and I'm not feeling good. I'm run down and tired, feel like I'm pulling my hair out. So its making me cranky and making me wish I had someone to hold me. I know its stupid to keep thinking I can't do this on my own. I'm just happier when I'm with someone. It makes me feel happier when I'm not alone. Inside I feel like I'm losing it. I was talking to myself yesterday, pretty much having an argument out load about things that are going on. Then I was having a conversation with my three year old about how mommy needs to be in a better mood for him, and he gave me a kiss and said it was all better. If only it was that easy as an adult. If only all of my bumps and bruises could be easily kissed away. One can hope right. I've got to work tonight, going in at 3pm, I'm guessing I have to deal with the general manager. He's been out sick the last three days, I covered one of his shifts for him. It was kinda funny when his wife called out for him, I had to tell her that really it was against the rules and that he was supposed to call out for himself. He said the rule applies to everyone. She laughed, it was funny.
Austin just headbutted me, so I kinda did it back but not even half as hard as he did me. He's like why you do that, and I said why you do that. He said want juice. I said well you don't have to headbutt me to get juice, you could just ask. He looked at me, kissed my cheek and said all better. Then put his head down for me to kiss and say all better. Then he said thank you mama and went to play. Its so hard sometimes with him. He just has to realize he can't hit me all the time. He's getting better, I've started just walking away so he can't hit me. His doctor kept telling me to hold my ground, but thats fucking stupid. Why am I going to stand there while he hits me???? That's like if a dog was biting me, I'd just offer my other arm?? So I just walk away, and he eventually gets up and either comes to find me or just does whatever he wants. Maybe its not perfect parenting but its better then getting hurt. Autism is the weirdest mental condition I've had to deal with. Its scary at times, he gets so mad, his face goes bright red, he balls up his fists and starts just screaming. But I've learned to walk away and ignore that too. The screaming helps him relieve the tension. I used to get mad and try to quiet him down, and then I'd get punched in the face. So now I just let him get over it, and then he's FINE. I'd still like to see half the people I know have to deal with him and then still tell me I'm a horrible mother. Its hard. So hard some days that I don't want to deal with him. That I wish I could just call someone and be like I need a day. But see my mom keeps him while I work all the time and ken's mom keeps him while he works on his weekend so when they don't have him they want to do their own thing. Which I totally understand. I just wish I had someone to call to watch him while I'm not at work, when he's throwing his awful fits and I'm ready to pull my hair out. That's when I'm afraid to leave him by himself but I need like 10 minutes of mommy time. That makes me miss cliff a lot. He was great about that. I'll be about to pull my hair out and he'd say why don't you go take a shower, or go do something. And it was so sweet. ugh!! doing this isn't going to help. I feel better since I've said a few things. Hopefully work tonight won't be so bad.
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