Magical disclaimer....includes details of my sex life again...i know its crazy that i keep having to include this but narrow minded jackasses and all....so if you don't want to read about me getting down and dirty then leave the page and find something else to read....
I admit it. i've got major trust issues, but they are legitimate trust issues. So maybe they aren't issues unless they illegitimate. This is turning very weird already. So all my friends know how fast I fell for Michael the first time. (shut up I know ok, i know exactly what you're thinking and stop thinking bad things about me so early.) I fell hard, trusted when I swore I wouldnt. I can't help it, i have to trust ppl, its part of who i am. Part of that biological makeup thing that makes me the me everyone loves. lol. I mean literally if i wasn't me I wouldn't let all of you get me in so much trouble. Ugh I'm so easily distracted anyways back to michael. So he said he didn't know how he felt about us. That he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. And i spent like a week crying, then i went out and bought that book He's just not that into you, I read it, felt extremely empowered and worthy of being treated like a queen. So we had plans on Saturday to hang out as friends...because thats what we decided we were gonna be....friends. i can be friends, i'm good at that right. So i didn't sleep at all friday night. i tossed and turned, got up, went back to sleep. It was crazy. I was up way before my alarm went off at 5am for work. So what did I do? i went to work, tried not to think about possibly doing or saying something stupid. Came home, I was going to make pizza but i was tired...duh i hadn't slept the night before and i had to work that morning, you'd have been tired too. plus my voice was pretty much shot, which its been for like ever now. i'm starting to think i'll never get it back. ugh distracted again so anyway. michael shows up before ken gets here to pick up austin...of course ken and i get into it...when do we not get into it ya know...i was aggravated...but then ken left and michael and i sat down to watch madagascar while eating pizza from Tony's. First movie was hilarious...i love how he reacts to things, he's so expressive. We spent a little time tickling each other and just playing around but mostly just watched the movie. Then we watched Madagascar 2 which was hilarious as well. And slowly he's gravitating toward me...I stayed in my corner, I made an effort to stick to my side of the couch just to cover my own ass. So by the time the movie is over we're pressed against each other like old times. We do the whole tickle each other like crazy thing. Then somehow, don't ask me how he's on top of me between my legs and we're kissing. Don't ask me how we ended up in my room, i can't resist him, he makes me gaga just being in the same room. But as we're on my bed kissing and touching I knew I couldn't do it, i felt dirty and icky and just yuck. I can feel the shock vibrating off all my friends...don't give me too much credit yet ok....lol. So I told him I couldn't do it, that i didn't want to feel dirty. Then we just sat there talking. Now somewhere earlier he said something about me being more special then he thought. So that's ringing in my ears. And we're talking about being together...why he doesn't think we can do it and blah blah. So we finally agree to try again and see where its going to go. What do we have to lose right. So yea we had sex. It was extremely amazing, I came the minute he pushed inside me. He's the perfect size for me, he fills me right up and I can't even explain the wonderful feelings I have when he's touching me. Its like I can't even remember my name when he's looking at me. Now he said, that he knows he hurt me the first time and he won't do it again. That i can trust him. But I trusted him last time. What's there to prove he's telling me the truth and doesn't want just sex. I know I know, I swore I wouldn't do this to myself again. That i'd never let someone who hurt me have a second chance at doing that. Inside I'm scared to death because I want to truly believe that this will work, that he'll make me happier then anyone else. Oh well I don't know, What do ya'll think? Am i stupid to let him back in my life? Am I setting myself up for disaster a second time? There are times I wish i could just sit back and be with a guy like Chris who makes me laugh, has a killer sound system in his car and who i really would do anything for. But i just described my best friend, Someone who doesn't make my heart jump, doesn't make me think about him on a constant basis, and cry when things go bad. So all the feelings i have for Michael, the ones that distract my every move, that make me forget where I am and what I'm supposed to be doing when he's around, what do i do with them? How do i protect myself? Someone really needs to help me lol. |
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