Finals are over!!! I'm waiting for final grades to come in. I'm not worried. I know I passed everything. I know I'm graduating and I'm super freaking excited over it. But lately things have been kinda blue...and I don't mean there are smurfs running around. No I mean I'm sad. I'm lonely. I know getting rid of Cliff was the best thing for me but in the long run I feel awful. Right now he's in jail. See I sent him to stay with his baby mama who will do her best to drag everyone around her into her stupid drama. And boy did she run her mouth, I wasn't even near her and her bullshit kept getting into my life. Its not something I want to get into. Long story short she got his brothers talking shit about him in front of him and saying he was an awful piece of shit father. And of course he was drinking so yeah there was a fight and of course he's the only one in jail. They refused to give him bond. I can't say I blame the court. He's gotten in a lot of trouble the last few years. I just kind of wish I hadn't kicked him out. I didn't want him to end up in jail. I guess I can only hope he straightens his life out while he's in there and can find a place to go once he gets out. He can't stay here.
There are other things I want to write about. But really my main issue is just being sad and unhappy. I'm trying to live my life. I just forgot how hard it was to sleep alone, only make food for myself and do everything on my own. No one to talk to. No one here when I get off work to tell about my day. After the first few days I went from really happy to completely miserable. So even though its summer and its beautiful outside I have no desire to do anything because I'll be doing it alone. I know I have Austin and he's the highlight of my life. But it really isn't the same. I miss having an adult around the house. And seems like all the guys I know at the moment just want sex. I don't want sex. I actually have no desire to have sex which is crazy for me. But that's how I feel right now. TMI I don't even have the desire to get myself off and if I try it just ends up in a frustrated mess of tears and anger. END TMI So for the time being at least I'm alone. I don't want to move anyone in. I just want a guy who I can talk to and spend time with who isn't totally focused on sex. So the sadness and loneliness sucks.
I'm not used to being self conscience. I used to constantly worry about what I looked like and how fat I look but than after being with Cliff for so long I stopped thinking about it. But after that big fight we had where he went on about how fat and lazy I am I had this mini mental breakdown about it. Whenever I go somewhere or do something I'm acutely aware of how awful I look. I've gotten to where I'm almost afraid to eat. It feels like everyone is staring at me. I keep trying to tell myself that its stupid...no one cares about how I look. I just can't stop the feeling. I feel awful right now. So pretty much this should be an awesome and amazing time in my life and I'm mentally falling apart. I keep saying I just need a hug but really I need someone to hold me up for a bit. I've been holding everyone else up for so long I'm thinking it should be my turn now. But seems like that isn't going to happen. |
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