I'm afraid to let anyone get close because everyone who says...

06/27/2009

they will be here....Left!!


I've had some friends express concern because I hadn't blogged about Austin. Knowing how important Austin is to me and that blogging makes me feel a lot better, I can see why so many people were worried. I remember the day my therapist looked at me and told me I had to suck it up and accept being bi-polar, that there was no way I could hide behind my own excuses. I was a wreck. I couldn't sit through class, I spent the day sleeping at Mike's because I just couldn't handle it. So here I am feeling a bit the same way. I knew they were going to say Austin is Autistic. I knew it when I made the appointment, I knew it when we walked in the door at the clinic, I knew it when the neurologist came back in the room after testing him BUT that didn't prepare me for the actual blow. Because it doesn't matter how much I knew it, there was still that part of me that didn't want there to be anything wrong, that it was just part of him growing up and how he acts, things he does would just go away. And it did knock the wind out of me. Its very hard because as a mom, I do everything I can to protect him. I keep the bad guys away, make sure he doesn't get hurt too bad and make sure he gets fed. I give him hugs and kisses and tell him I love him and sit with him when he's sick. You literally can't protect your child from something like this. You can't guarantee he's going to grow up and everything will be ok. You don't know how much worse it can get, you want to hug him close and pray that the next day when he wakes up he'll be speaking in full sentences. I'm scared out of my mind. I have so much trouble handling him right now, and its great to have a diagnosis, to know why he acts the way he does. But the real kicker is there is no one way to handle it. Every case is different, every child is different. You do your best, you keep your head up and try not to lose it. His dad went with us, I know it affected him, but he doesn't deal with things like most people do. There are so many parallels to how Austin is now and how Ken was as a child. Some of the questions the doctor asked and the way she kept looking at Ken in this odd sort of way. Its almost too obvious, Autism is genetic. All the trouble that Ken had in school, in his personal/social life, how he reacts to things, certain things he does. OMG its like WTF?? So I know it hit him hard and I'm praying that it woke him up. Made him realize how much he needs to be part of Austin's life, not just when he wants to be. I'm having trouble dealing with this because I have no one to lean on. No one in my life that I can depend on to hold my hand late at night when I can't sleep because I just don't know what to do. Knowing that Austin's behavior is already hard to handle and that its probably going to get worse before it gets better, if it ever does. The therapy helps, it helps a lot, but he still gets anxious and upset so easy. He still loses his temper and all I can do it take a deep breath and walk away, try to calm him down, distract him. Try not to change too many things, keep him on a routine. Is it selfish to be scared because I have to do most of this alone? Does it mean I don't love my son because I feel lost and hopeless sometimes when he has one of those days? Is it bad when I need to take a day to myself because I'm wrung out from stress? No. But damn sometimes it feels like it. Some days I want to hide under the blankets because I feel like I can't handle it. I wish I had someone, someone in my life who understands, who doesn't mind the 2am text message when I'm completely lost. I love Austin. I wouldn't change anything for the world, he's one of God's special children. I'm just scared out of my mind. I'm not afraid to admit it.