I spent the entire night in so much pain. This UTI is kicking my ass. Plus it had me throwing up when the pain would get too bad. I've been popping tylenol like candy, I started using those goody's powders but I'm still in pain. I'm waiting for the doctors office to call me back. I spent last night before going to bed in a pretty good mood. Though I'm having issues. I have such a sexual appetite that Mike can't keep up. Its driving me crazy. I'm not going to cheat...I refuse to even think about it...but I told him in the beginning that my sex drive was crazy and he said the typical guy response that he could more then keep up. But he doesn't want sex even half as much as I do and even though I get off I'm still being left wanting more. I just don't know what to do. So I tried sending some crazy ass pictures to his email....then called to tell him to check it. He said he was going to bed. It was 9:30pm. He's doing some weird shit lately. Then I got mad, because he'll sit up and play his playstation until the wee hours of the morning but we have a freaking time limit when we're together. I want to spend as much time with him as I can, because I love him. He wants to spend enough time with me to pacify me, keep him from being too lonely and then its a rush back home. Schools out, I have no reason to go out there except to see him and money is going to be tight until I start feeling better. I just feel like we should see each other as much as we can, and go from there. My biggest problem lately is we've had the discussion of how I need to feel special, how when we have sex I want a part of it too. I finally got to play a little with him before we had sex but I really wasn't ready for it to be over and he's just done. I needed more, my body was throbbing, I was literally soaked and ready to go and I can't get anywhere with it. I have friends who say he's just not what I needed and he didnt realize just how sexual I was. But I warned him, I told him I'm hard to satisfy. In the beginning which was like 2 months ago I was getting off 3 or more times when we had sex, and we're having sex like every week once or twice, so its not like I'm maxing him out. I'm being a bitch, I know I am. But I'm bored. I know where this goes, I've been here before and it never ends well. I'm starting to wonder if any one guy will ever be enough for me or if I'm always going to crave sex and feel empty. Or is it another issue entirely. Am I using sex to replace something thats missing in my life? Am I trying to use it to fill the empty spot I feel even when him and I are together?? I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I've always had that feeling with everything I do. I'm starting to delve into parts of my mind that its almost scary to go into. I had a therapy session yesterday and he pretty much said I'm starting to become scared of everything, that even going to work has become scary and somehow we need to find a way for me to get through this. Another problem is my anger and lashing out. I have a very bad habit of saying things out of no where, and he thinks part of it is me adjusting to all this new medication they have me on and another part is pent up anger. That when I have something thats bothering me I need to stop biting my tongue and letting ppl hurt me, that I need to tell ppl how I feel. But I can't. Part of me fears hurting peoples feelings or losing the ones that are in my life because when I finally do get up the nerve to admit whats going on I usually end up losing people because they don't want to hear it. They don't want the friend who never complains to all of a sudden have feelings like they do. I think I'm replacing comfort with sex. I know this conversation is bouncing around but I can't help it. I'm sick, I really needed comfort this morning because I was in so much pain I almost couldn't stand it and I was crying my eyes out. I called Mike against my better judgement because I wanted someone to tell me I was ok, and he didn't even wake up enough to say anything but well yea the entire time. It was 6am. He supposedly went to bed at 9:30am, you'd think he could wake up enough to tell me I would be ok. But you know what, I don't think he knows how to comfort anyone. I think he's so used to sucking it up that he wouldn't know how to even begin. So instead of looking for his comfort my body switches and just wants attention, it wants to be loved and in my head I have the same thoughts and feelings. I want to be loved and cared for and comforted. Am I getting anywhere in this blog? Nope, but at least part of me feels better. At least the only person I was sending crazy pictures to was my boyfriend and at least I think he loves me enough to understand whats wrong. But its not going to change anything, and from experience i've learned the more I want sex, the less the guy I'm with wants sex and then things just go downhill. How is it that my friends are dating guys who want regular sex and me the one who is always ready for sex end up with the guys who just want it when they want it regardless. I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I'm not good enough. I feel dirty and stupid and whorish for wanting sex so much but at the same time I feel dirty and stupid and unattractive when I get pushed away. I have so many insecurities, I just don't know how to address any of them. I wish I could just sit down and tell Mike all of this, I wish it would come out in a way that wouldn't cause problems. And dammit I wish for once he'd just call or show up out of the blue and make me feel like really fucking special. I know I shouldn't need someone to make me feel special but dammit I do!!!! I want it and I crave it. And that doesn't make me any less of a person or a woman, it makes me human.
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