I never did read that book all the way through. But the title sticks with me and seemed slightly appropriate, because in my life the dream or should I say nightmare I had last night was horrible. I hate to dream, because 85% of the dreams I remember were nightmares. Bad ones. Ones that woke me shivering, sometimes even crying in my sleep. I hate those, because it makes the next few weeks of sleep scary and unknown. When I haven't been sleeping well already it doesn't help. Are dreams view into our subconscious? I don't have a clue. Why don't I know? Because back when everyone else was reading about dreams and seeing if the stars were aligned with their sign I was getting high and drinking until I couldn't see straight. The truth sucks but its still the truth. Which brings me to last night. I didn't get to bed until late, I was supposed to go out because Ken had Austin but one I got bailed on, nothing new there and two I really didn't want to go out anyway, I just didn't want to sit home and think either. So I ended up staying home and just wandering around the house until I found a book I thought I might like to read and I sat down to read it. Chris, a guy I know called about ohhh midnight to talk for a little bit and then after that I dozed off. Well next thing I know I'm sitting indian style on Mike's bed passing Herbie our hamster from one hand to the other, letting him climb. So yeah this is where I'm guessing the dream starts or at least this is the part where I know most of it. See in therapy I've been practicing this observing thing, where I just let my thoughts and emotions pass by me like on clouds and not react to them. I'm not very good at it but I'm getting better. Plus no one is going to immediately go from emotionally minded to wise minded, a combination of emotion and logical minded. Mike is way to logically minded, he manages to put everything in his life in little boxes in his head which I guess works if he wants to be alone and without people who care. He's a tough cookie to crack and really I've gotten to where I don't even try. But I'm regressing again, back to last night. So here I am playing with Herbie, Mike is sitting across from me in his computer chair (for the dumbass ppl out there, I'm in my dream not in real life), and out of the blue he stands up, gets right in my face and says do you want to really know why I dumped you? Now ok, did he really dump me? I don't know, its something I'll have to discuss, it was more like a mutual hey he doesn't love me anymore thing but anyway. And I look at him, and my eyes are black, its weird cause it was like watching a movie...my eyes are just shallow black holes and he's like yelling at me but I'm not reacting. So then he goes on to list numerous things that lurk in my self conscious, reasons I think might be why we split but really have no idea if any of them pertain. He started yelling that I'm fat, I've got more stretch marks then that woman who had the 8 babies, I've got scars from where I've been battling MRSA for so long it seems like a losing battle, I wasn't good enough in bed, I forced him to open up when he just wanted me to be there for him, I kept wanting to change him (i just wanted him to spend time with me), I kept wanting sex from him, but that he doesn't like my sexual fetishes (I'm not explaining that one). He just kept screaming how I wasn't good enough, how I couldn't understand when enough was enough, how I should have known that he wasn't going to love me because no one else would love me ever. I was worthless and stupid and not worth the time it took to spit on me. Now in my dream I can see my face, I haven't made a move, by this point you can't even see my face, all you can see is the hamster just climbing from one hand to the other, over and over again. You can see Mike bending over to look in my face and scream some more but its almost like I don't hear him. Then he sits and says can you handle being friends with me even though you know I'm going to say how I feel about you, knowing I don't care what you feel. And then all I said was you know I think you're a great person and that you could do so much if you just believed it, and that I love you. (Those are things I used to say and very much mean.) And in the dream he laughed, but it wasn't his normal laugh, it was like this high pitched evil laugh, and then I just shattered like a glass. And right before I woke up there was Mike sitting in his computer chair, crying, staring at the glass on the floor while Herbie was just climbing from one of his hands to the other. Ok so creepy much? I thought so, especially since I was the one who woke up crying, sweating and just scared out of my mind for no apparent reason. It was just a dream but it was a crazy wicked dream, its hard to describe, and its rare for me to have vivid dreams. I have to be extremely emotionally strung out, very attached to something and very out there to dream something this weird. Last time I had a dream this weird was when Ken and I split for the very last time, he actually moved out. I remember having a crazy dream about him telling me that I was a horrible parent, that it was all my fault that Austin wouldn't have a dad in his life, why couldn't I have just dealt with it or had an open relationship. It was weird as fuck. And honestly this was just as weird. So I've been trying to remind myself it was just a dream, because a lot of things hit home. I didn't put down everything because I can't remember it all but those were the highlights, those were the ones I was thinking about at work today. So I did talk to Mike, I didn't really tell him about the dream, just told him that most of them got blamed on the bunnies. At one point in the dream he yelled that he was losing all his crops thanks to my fucking bunnies. Which honestly was stupid as hell, since it just has to do with a facebook game that we are both playing, it didn't hit home like the rest of it did. Idk, its just something I can't shake. And this whole not reacting thing isn't working. And like I said I did talk to Mike but I kept most of the dream to myself. But here is it going on midnight and I'm still afraid to go to bed. I have a habit of redreaming nightmares when I can't stop thinking about them. Totally on a side note here, I've started to notice how stupid some of the lines guy's use are. I can thank Mike for that. I'm sitting here typing this and a guy messages me on yahoo...a guy I've talked to online once and thats it, and he's like I miss you. and I just laughed cause really how do you miss someone you don't know.
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