black.rainbow.lyts
This shit sucks
I tend to let things build up before I explode. I get really aggravated at life and then start being depressed, then I don't even want to write. I'm going to go crazy. I don't know what to do about Austin. I love my child, I just don't understand him. Autism sucks ass. It doesn't matter what you read, or the suggestions people make. I doesn't matter the advice some people give. Each child is different. The quirks and symptoms. If you've potty trained a child without autism and thought it was hard, try one that's with. Omg. Its been awful. He'll pee on the floor or in his pull up. Out right refuses to get on the potty. We had a screaming fight today because he didn't want to sit on it, then he peed on the floor. Wtf do you do? He's not an animal, you don't say no and rub his nose in it. I tried talking to him, yelling (which makes things worse in case you're wondering), and just showing him. I get so strung out. I'm trying. Do you know how hard it is to know that he's 4 years old and we've been trying to potty train for a year and I'm no where near closer then I was. I've tried taking the pull ups away. But he just pees and poops wherever. In his clothes, on the floor. There are those people who say I'm not working with him enough. Really?? Well see its hard when no one wants to help me. Do you have any clue how hard it is to set a kid on the potty when he's kicking and screaming that he doesn't want to? Those little potties don't work either, he's either too big for them or he just has the same response as on the big potty. I've tried having him stand up or sit down. Its like I'm begging for help inside my head but there is none. Its so hard being a single mom, I partly just want to give up on school and just work and take care of him. But I can't survive on fast food wages. I'm barely making it as it is. If I quit school I'd just end up getting a second job. Which makes no sense either. Cause then I'd have the same trouble again.
I wish I had someone to lean on sometimes. Even if its just someone in my life that I could trust enough to have them come over and listen. To hold me. Right now I'm surrounded by people that either use me for what they want or by guys that want lots of sex. I dated this guy, Mike for a while, twice. He doesn't understand me. He wants to get back together, he visited on Christmas but the entire time he was there I just kept thinking I wanted him to leave. Cause he thinks he knows me and how I feel but he doesn't. He's completely clueless and it makes me angry when he tries to tell me what I'm thinking or feeling and he's somewhere over in left field while my feelings are sitting in the dugout. The last guy I dated, Cliff. He wasn't the greatest guy in the world. But he was great with Austin. It never seemed to matter what was going on, he always had time to wrestle or play. But he couldn't stop the drinking and the constantly being high. I didn't want my son growing up with that in the house. I'm not saying he would have a drink now and then, he's an alcoholic and he knows it. But he's not getting ready to quit. He doesn't want to stop drinking, it dulls whatever pain he has. I miss the friendship. How comfortable I was around him. Now I've got to start over completely and I just can't seem to do it. I can't seem to get over the fact that I'm fat, not that pretty and who would want me unless no one else wanted them. I'm going through this because I'm finally stopping and taking a good hard look at the guys I have dated and who are hitting on me. No job, no car, no money at all. Some even just going from place to place, no real home. I'm not the choice you make when you have no where else to go. I'm not running a homeless shelter. I'm a person too. Why treat me like I'm not?? So needless to say I'm sad and avoiding every guy that I know.
I go back to work from my vacation tomorrow. Maybe it'll make me feel better to get out of the house. Back to my normal routine. My birthday is January 4th and it looks like I'm spending it on my own. Might go out but I doubt it. What's the point of going out on my own. How sad huh.
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