So I'm in a crazy ass mellow mood. I figure its time to fill ya'll in on what happened at the doctor and whats just been going on in general. So I couldn't get into the doctor on Tuesday like I had hoped, she was booked, so I just kinda loafed around. In the morning I was in a weird freaked out mood and I drove out to Wytheville to go to Kmart. I called Mike from the parking lot and talked to him for a little while. Then he met me in Kmart and walked around with me. I felt 100 times better with him there. So it really sucked when we were leaving and he said he was running by a place to put in an application. In my mind I kept wanting to ask why he couldn't do that and then spend some more time with me since I really needed it. But he didn't seem like he wanted to do that. Kept talking about going home where it was warm. Oh well, I drove back home, then decided to run to Galax for chinese take out. I walked around Magic mart while I waited for my food. Why do chinese places always say 10 minute, it took me 20 minutes in Magic Mart and when I got back my food wasn't done. So I was like wtf this is a long fucking 10 minutes but I didn't say anything cause I couldn't really understand what she was saying anyway. So then I went home, and that was hard. I was having a hard time sitting still, I tried to clean a little bit but its hard when so much is going on. So I decided to go ahead and hang some pictures I had but hadn't hung. Then I went ahead and planted some seeds inside which was fun because I love getting my hands dirty. Plus its like therapy for me, allows my mind to go blank while I'm thinking about what I'm planting. So I did a tray of herbs and a seperate tray of flowers. Then I fed and watered my spider plant and this vine that I have because I have a habit of forgetting to feed them. And yes you have to feed plants just like anything else if you want them to survive. My spider plants been having babies, I had transplanted it into a bigger pot and then a few weeks later it started. I think it just needed more room. I've been rotating it around on its hook because plants grow toward the sun so if I want an even plant I have to rotate it. I'm getting ready to seperate it since there are 2 seperate spider plants in that one pot. I love plants. I'm not allowed to have animals here so I've substituted plants instead. I wanted to buy myself flowers but I felt so stupid...because no one else is buying me flowers. But then ppl come over and they ask who bought the flowers then I have to say oh i bought them for myself. And since I have an overactive imagination I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I bought a lilac plant that they had out for Easter. Smells very pretty. Its a flower if nothing else, better then buying myself a bouquet then explaining that whole situation. In the summer Austin and I pick wild flowers. But anyway, Wednesday I went to school because I only have a month left and I can't miss days right now. I did ok, then after my last class I had to race really quick to get to Laurel Fork from Wytheville, which is a 50 minute drive. I told the doctor everything that had been going on. The sunburn on my right arm is a 2nd degree burn and she said I should have come in when it first happened but since I didn't she just gave me the cream and a reminder to wear sunscreen. Then about the panic attacks. She went into a long explanation which I don't feel like, but she's worried about all the stress in my life. So she took me out of work until Tuesday, I hadn't planned on going back til then anyway but at least this way I had a note. Then she prescribed Zanax (I can't spell and I know this) which has totally mellowed me out. Its made me really tired but I've fought sleep all day because I don't want to just pass out while Austin is around. I've done really good. She also gave me a mood stabilizer to take with my antidepressant to keep me from acting like an emotional pendulum. One minute I'm happy the next I'm so ready to rip someones head off. So I took my note to work and talked to them about it, they were cool and said it saved payroll so that worked. Jennifer was getting off when I got there, so we talked in her car for a while but then I had to go get Austin. So then she took Austin and I to Pizza Hut for dinner. After dinner we came back to my house and talked for hours. It was 1am when she left. I was glad she was here to distract me. Today I've pretty much just cleaned and rearranged furniture in my living room/dining room area. Austin and I invited Ken over to color eggs with us. I thought it was the nice thing to do since it was the first time. He didn't hang around afterward which was good, I think he's getting the hint. Austin loved coloring eggs and we made such a mess but it was totally worth it to see him have so much fun. Now we're just kinda vegging out. He's naked cause he keeps taking his diaper off, which is fine, he's peeing on the potty so I'm ok with him being naked. Tomorrow I'm going to tackle the laundry, the kitchen and the toilet. The bathroom isn't so bad but I always seem to be cleaning the toilet. My dad is coming to visit on Saturday. I'm so excited since its been over a year since I've seen him. He's going to visit and have lunch with us. I'm dying to talk about Mike. I know its crazy but I have to. I'm like feeling weird right now. This week especially I need him the most, lots of stuff going on in my life but he's not around. Any other time he'd be around but not this week. And I've made it clear I really need to see him but yet he just keeps saying he'll see me Saturday. Ken is taking Austin Saturday night which works for me and gives me time alone with Mike. But I have a feeling he's not going to come down on Sunday if he comes down Saturday. I know the reasons or should I say excuses. I get aggravated at the 100 million reason why he shouldn't see me. I think that would piss anyone off. I mean the sex is great, being with him is great but its so far between all of it. And I know why, I know whats going on. I just can't help but get upset sometimes. And it doesn't bother him much from what I can tell, it feels like he could either take it or leave it, doesn't matter either way to him. I didn't call him today, talked to him online. I was hoping he'd call me, tell me something. I was hoping that he'd one day surprise my ass and just show up. Not gonna happen. Oh hell whatever. I don't just want sex but I haven't used my vibrator this much since I was married and I didn't have a sex life at all. I admit its frustrating that I'm getting less sex while in a relationship then when I was single. I told him in the beginning that I have an extremely high sex drive. I always want sex. Its not important to him but it is to me because I turn into super bitch when I'm not getting it on a regular basis ya know. I know thats horrible but thats how I'm wired....nothign I can do about that except go with the flow. And no I'm not going to cheat on him, I know better. I love this guy, I don't even notice other guys, I'm just oh I can't explain it. He's holding back, he's not giving me everything...its like a part of him is waiting for me to hurt him. He's hiding something inside and it kills me he doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell me when I tell him just about everything. I know that some ppl are different. Oh well. I'm going to take my tired ass to bed. love and hugs....peace
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