What the heck is tapioca?? I know its not really fish eggs like we thought as kids, right....or is it?? I'm sitting here eating it, I perfer rice pudding though, but I'm eating it and I'm like what the heck is this anyway. I've been meaning to post but I've been fighting some inner demons. Saturday after I went off on Joan at work, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one of those since I was 17 or so. When I have one panic attack I have 10 or 15 over a certain period of time because of a certain stressor that sets it off. So why I didn't mention it is that I was hoping if I ignored it and pretended I didn't know what it was that it couldn't happen again. I know, I'm not a genuis, but it could have worked. I was really stressed until I got home and Mike called...just hearing his voice settled me down. So I spent the last couple of days just fine, letting myself believe that all was well. I've been feeling weird though, feeling almost like I'm on auto pilot. My temper is extremely short, I've been at my end lately. Things have been said and done between me and Ken that have put me in such a state that I'm falling apart inside. I've been ignoring it, but today I couldn't ignore it. I went in to get my check, walked in the door to Hardee's with Austin and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. My chest felt tight, they said my face went pale, I started to sweat and all I could think was that I had to get out, I had to get away. I literally wigged out. I got outside and into my car, called my mom and tried to act like nothing was wrong. I think she knew that something was going on but she didn't say anything. Then after dinner I had some shopping to do so I stopped at Wal-mart. I was in there for about 30 minutes when all of a sudden it happened again. I thought I was going to pass out right there. I ended up sitting down by the pharmacy until I could get my breath and then calmly went to check out. I ran into Jennifer and Miranda on the way out. I talked to them and then when I got to my car I finally started to feel a little better. But I feel weird. Like I'm not in my body. Ugh!! I can't explain exactly how I feel. I've been really stressed lately. So I'm taking a few mental health days, I'm making an emergency doctors appointment and a therapy appointment. I haven't been since Christmas but I can feel inside that I'm spiraling downward. I've hidden it well but its slowly seeping out and I can't control it. I'm taking my medication like I'm supposed to but it doesn't help with stress. School is almost over for the semester so I'm feeling that stress, and like I said some things have happened lately that involve Ken that have really taken a toll on me mentally. So I've bought a few things that make me feel good when I do them. I've bought some starter kits and I'm going to start some plants indoors. I love to plant and get my hands dirty. I'm going to step it up with the yoga and do it more often since it helps. I've got some breathing techniques that I've used before that I know help. I've also started coloring again. I know it sounds childish but for me its a release, and right now I need it. Hugs and kisses to everyone. I'll get through this. I've been wanting to talk to Mike but at the same time I don't. How's he going to react? I don't know. I don't want to find out really. I don't like to feel like this, I just want to be back to normal.
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