So many updates so much craziness

01/21/2011

Okay first thing is first. AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Now I feel better. So school starts Monday I am pretty excited to get back to a normal routine, honestly as much as I enjoy the time off from school it messed with my routine and I hate that. This term will be nice.

Monday & Wednesday
Spanish from 4:30PM - 6:45PM.

Tuesday & Thursday
Chemistry from 5:30PM - 6:45PM, but on Thursday I have lab which will extend my class to 9:50PM.

I have an online class, but I have already done half of it during the summer, but left because I thought I was going to be moving back home. Luckily I didn't. I need to get books still, but I found out Wednesday when I went to buy them that I can't get my books until the first day of class because that's when the grant money is released. How stupid is that?! Gerrr. *rolls eyes* Regardless I can't wait for the term to start. Yay for stability

My other big update.

*shakes head* I haven't ever gone back and forth with someone so much - I am not exactly sure what the hell keeps making me talk to him again, but I am hanging out with Kyle again. I decided after talking to some friends and thinking about it. Technically he hasn't really done anything wrong and I was the one who was doing things that were wrong and because they were wrong I was feeling guilty about them and the guilty always ends up questioning the innocent. At least thats what my history of relationships has taught me. Every time I was getting cheated on the guy always seemed to think I was doing something or was just super jealous. This time it was me, not that it was cheating really cause Kyle and I never set rules or talked about it. We still haven't. So here is how it went down.

He text me asking how I was. I said fine, busy with work. He said wow you actually replied - I never thought you really would. Anyways after talking some more we decided to meet up again this past Monday. So last time I said screw off to him it was because we never seemed to do anything - I never looked at it from his perspective and plus that holiday that I spent with him was ... really nice and it scared the scrap out of me. So when we met up Monday we started out having lunch and instantly when I saw him I was like damn it. Cause all of the things I felt came right back and it bothered me. We talked for a while and ate and just had fun. He suggested pool so we went downtown and shopped first, we picked eachother out shirts and then went to play pool.

I am sitting there and he comes up to me and says I missed you a lot, probably more than you missed me. Which is true because for me - I am one of those out of sight out of mind people. I said well I missed you too (which is true) and I wouldn't of actually came to see you if I didn't. He then kissed me and it was nice. Super nice. So we keep playing pool and then he says to me while im sitting down. So are you sticking around this time? He does such a good job on calling me out on shit. lol. I hate it, but I like it cause no one has ever called me out on my bs. I said I ain't going anywhere. Then I said you know its just hard for me to allow myself to like someone because of my past. It's hard for me. He said that he thought that was sad, and hoped I didn't always feel like that. Then he hugged me.

I feel like I dunno maybe in time I could actually let my walls down or something. I just have to remember I can't punish him for what my exes have done, he hasn't done anything mean to me or shady. I just keep thinking in my head that if I leave and bail on him then I am one step ahead. I can get out before I get hurt. I know that he is someone I could totally fall for and I am just so burnt and tired of being hurt. Eventually I will tell him that. I just want to see how it kinda goes for the next couple of weeks. We had another date on Tuesday. We went to a movie and afterwards we spent like an hour or so standing by my car just talking and hugging. It was sweet. He wore the shirt we picked out for him lol and he gave me this thing called an Eskimo Kiss? I didn't know what it was, but he did it right as ppl were walking by. Now PDA doesn't bother me its okay, but I haven't been with a guy that really dives into and blocks everyone else out.

Ugh. Anyways so thats that. I am trying to just take one day at a time with him, but its just hard for me. I don't even know if any of that stuff above makes sense to anyone else. He just makes me so scared of how I feel about him now and now I know I could feel given enough time. Im just a scaredy cat I guess. lol.