Its almost been a month. Some days it hurts to think about the abortion, other days I couldn't be happier to be able to live my life the way I want to. The real hard times like when I was watching my boyfriend hold our friends 9 month old or when another friend showed me his ex girlfriends sonogram. In those moments I want to ball my eyes out and once or twice I have once I was in private. My boyfriend proposed...A gorgeous 5 8ths circle cut carat set in white gold. Its perfect. His timing is slightly ironic. Seeing how my lost love came home. He was military. Intense military. I personally couldn't be involved with someone in the military. My 4 older brother and one cousin are active duty lifers and I have two cousins in the reserves. Our parents are military, grandparents are military. We are a real military family. On top of that I'm decently close to 15 guys who are in plus my vets who are home. So I don't date military. I know the what the stress of having someone you love be active duty is, the anxiety of not knowing, the loneliness when they're gone, and the emotional hang-ups they come home with. Any way he came home September and hes done for now though he may reenlist after he finishes what college he wants. We've been aware of our feelings for each other a while, but since he was military and active I only saw him when he was home on leave and I kept my distance. So when me and my boyfriend got together almost a year ago I didn't give him a second thought, but I walked into our man-cave (yes we have a legit man-cave) there he was and it was the same backhand of immediate attraction and emotion. September through October We didn't talk about it, didn't interact any more or less than we had to but its so transparent even my boyfriend said something. When I got sick in November and hit total bed-rest I was so sick then figured out I pregnant 5 days before Thanksgiving , it pretty much seemed like the situation solved itself, but he was the one I started to lean on. I completely secluded my self while I was pregnant, not just because I was horribly sick and could hardly move but the emotional strain was enough to knock me out. He was there for me, a solid shoulder to lean on when my boyfriend was trying not to fall apart himself. Once I had the abortion, I spoke up about our feelings. I guess I was to emotionally drained to ignore them and pretend they didn't exist. So we sat down and talked. We're currently trying to work them out, my boyfriend 100% knows whats going on, understands and has been awesome about this mess. My boyfriend hes a saint, he wants everything I want and in the same time frame and is so good for me its scary...but, I'll never have that my over-whelming emotion for him not the way I do the other guy. I've been accused of short-changing myself, hiding behind my perfect relationship because I'm scared to make a huge leap of faith with my heart after being hurt so badly by my ex. Frankly I'm just trying to look at the long term. I know I want kids, a family, a happy marriage and Id like it in the next few years. I know my boyfriend I'll have that and I know that with as emotionally closed off the other guy is that no matter how much I love him and he loves me that there's a high probability I'll get my heart broke and have to start over. Is it so crazy to stick with safety, security, contentment and the warm glow of friendship that grew into love instead of heart racing breathing taking fireworks of love that may end quickly and you'll more than likely get burned? I personally do not have an answer. |
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