you can knock my lights out, but I'll still shine
So, I ended it...
This is what I wrote to him, last night.
Chuckie, this is a letter to tell you my feelings.... there really isnt' any good way to say it, then to just say it...
I've been really thinking a lot lately. And I really don't think you and I are working out, for a lot of reasons.. We live too far away from each other, and once a week is not enough to see each other.. We both work 6 days a week, and it's hard. We both don't have the time for a relationship and I think it's best if we just break up. Even if you tell me you're happy, I can still feel that you're depressed about your family life, which isn't your fault. But I've been down that road before, and I worked really hard to get over it and to become the person I am today and I don't want to head down the wrong path again. I'm not saying you would drag me down the wrong path. Just being around it will make me drag myself back down, you won't even have anything to do with it. And I'm not ready to be in a relationship, I have entirelly too much on my plate, and I honestly don't have time to balance a relationship. We really rushed into this. We've only known each other for 3 weeks, and started dating after 2 weeks of knowing each other. It's moving too quickly for me. I really don't want you upset, but I figured I'd rather do it sooner, than later. I'm,really sorry but it's just how I feel, I just think we're better off doing our own thing. I'm sorry.
And then I wrote again, telling him I'd still like to be friends. I never heard back from him that night, or even today..
I texted him today at work, saying "Hey, I'm just checking up on you, making sure you're okay since I haven't talked you to today."
and no response
I can't tell you what's going through my mind right now...
If he did do something.... I don't think I could ever forgive myself, or live with myself, knowing that I caused someone that kind of pain... knowing that I was the cause of someones death. A part of a SUICIDE... It tears me apart just thinking about it... I haven't STOPPED thinking about it all day.... I even went into work AN HOUR BEFORE OPENING and just...worked...until opening and stayed until 5... I couldn't be alone... I started to bawl... So Claire invited me over and I hung out with her and then went home and saw Emily... Peter I don't think got ahold of him...
I feel so unbelievably guilty...
I just really need to be held right now, just to know someone is here.
But, I ended it for the right reasons
Fuck... I don't even know what to do with myself...
I can't even sleep.
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