So...I feel so shitty

02/11/2010

I COMPLETELY forgot that yesterday was the anniversary of my best friend from middle schools' death. Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of it and I completely forgot. I was driving to work and it hit me harder than a bus. I about cried in my car, I can't believe I forgot. I feel like such a bad friend. He was the first person I ever had a crush on and we were so close, I remember the last time I saw him; I didn't even say hi to him because Jared was like 'I'm in a rush, you'll see him again soon.' Then 2 days later I heard he was in a coma and gonna be let go. I could not believe that he was gone. I would have gone to the hospital if I heard about it sooner. Jared didn't even go with me to the funeral. I had to go with my best friends boyfriend at the time. He was the one who wiped my tears away.

I remember the night I found out.
I was laying on my bed in my room; on the computer and I saw a bulletin on myspace from our friend that said 'Anthony Michael Martin' I opened it and it told the details of what happened, he was walking home from the movies and some girl who was texting while driving hit him and put him in a coma. I screamed. Jared was like 'You don't need to scream, I'm right here."

I fucking smacked the shit out of him; I could NOT believe he uttered those words to me. and it's HIS fault I never got to say hi to him when I saw him. And when I asked him to go with me to the funeral to say goodbye to one of my oldest friends. He said 'no.' It broke my heart. I miss Anthony more and more everyday. But he's come to me in my dreams, told me I better name my son after him and whatnot. and he got to say goodbye to me too; When I asked him why he didn't come to me first, he said 'I saved the best for last.'

Fuck Anthony... I miss you so much, you have no idea how badly I kick myself in the ass for not saying hi to you that day, not hugging you; I should have ignored Jared and went and said hi to you. But no, I didn't and I can't believe that was my last chance to ever say hi to you. I feel so guilty. I love you so much and miss you. I wish I could have told you that. I would give anything to go back to that day and just hug you and never let go.

The funeral was awful for me, I went and met his parents for the first time and when I told them my name they were like 'We've heard your name SO many times, you were ALL Anthony ever talked about." I died inside, it only made me feel worse about the last time I saw him alive. I still can't believe I'll never see him again.

I'm just gonna go. I have so much on my mind.
I'll update later, put a picture of him in here and stuff. :[
I think I'm gonna start crying.


//-EDITTTT
Here's a picture of Anthony;

Today I looked up at the sky and noticed how beautiful it is; but I realized it's only because you're up there♥

Dear Anthony; Words cannot express how much you mean to me. I refuse to use the past tense of that word. Because you still mean everything to me, though our friendship kinda faded when you moved to Quakertown, I always considered you my best friend. You were the only one who accepted me for who I was. You never tried to change me.. you and I had the best talks. We'd spend countless hours on the phone just laughing and talking. Those were honestly the best days of my life. I miss you, and love you. You were taken too soon, I still can't believe you're actually gone. If I knew the last time I saw you would have been the last time, I would have run back and hugged you and never let go and let you know how much you mean to me. I never should have listened to Jared. I drive past where we first met a lot. And I sometimes pull over and go to the basketball court and just sit there and think. Think about how my life has changed, and how much of an impact you made on me. I wouldn't be me if it weren't for you. You really taught me how to be a friend. I remember the day you moved, you gave me your favorite necklace that you wore everyday. I still have that necklace hanging in my room. I just can't believe you're gone. It's been 2 years and I still can't seem to grip the fact that you and I will never run into each other again and give each other those 5 minute hugs. But I know you're looking down on me, and I know you're my guardian angel. You always seem to show up in my dreams when I need you most. You were and still are my best friend; nothing will ever change that. I love you so much baby ♥ Rest Easy and fly high my angel♥

Love always;
Autumn

September 6th 1989 - February 10th 2008.

' It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life♥'