Yesterday was pretty fun, I s'pose. I planned a surprise leaving party for my friend who's moving to Michigan for College. He didn't seem overly thrilled about it, which kinda hurt, tbh, but I can't hold that against him. My best friend was uncomfortable, which made me uncomfortable too. though, if you look past all that, it was nice to relax and spend time with different people.
I text my boyfriend earlier, somewhat spontaneously, cos my parent's have gone out and the only people that will be in later is me and my sister (my brother will be on his date and his friend who's staying with us probably won't be in until much later). Since I don't like my sister, and I don't like being alone, I thought he could come over. We haven't seen each other for a while and it would've been nice to spend some time with him... but he can't. It took quite a lot of courage for me to ask him, him blowing me off like that wasn't the best way to encourage such behavior in the future.
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There's a part of me that's really really angry at everyone for not trying hard enough when I'm trying my hardest. This part of me wants to scream and shout and run away from everything and just start again. I want to reinvent myself the way I want to be, but I can't - I'm not old enough, I don't have the money, I don't have the balls.
There's another part of me that just can't be bothered to try anymore when every time I do everyone seems to try their hardest to go against me. it doesn't make sense to me anymore - I don't see WHY I should keep on trying to be better than what I am if no one's going to notice or encourage me or even care. This part of wants to crawl into a hole and wait to die. This part of me doesn't think anyone would notice.
And then there's one last part, that wants to keep trying to see if anyone does notice and to realize that I don't have to care whether or not they notice. This part wants to be able to do it all for ME. This parts the smallest and is losing horribly to the other two. |
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