i'm about to leave for work ... classic layouts
ok. i'm awake. i don't have any bad feelings in my stomach yet ... so hopefully today will be good. i just want everyday to be normal again. i dont want to have to worry about anything but paying rent ... you know, like a normal person. christine, a woman i work with, tells me that i'm addicted to worry. she might be right. but can i really help that i can't just block things out of my mind? can i help that what happens to me in a way haunts me everyday like im just waiting for it to happen again.
my feelings for patrick are so unbelievably strong its crazy. everybody tells me that i need to focus on 'me' ... but i hate that. i honestly HATE it when ppl tell me what i need to do. i already know what needs to be done. i do it everyday. i stand by the man i love everyday bc i know we are both strong enough to do this thing together. but most days i don't know if he feels as deeply about me as i do for him. it's just my luck. i don't know if i'll ever get what i wanted out of life like i origionally wanted. is it stupid that i get jealous of how much other couples seems so into each other? i'm jealous of the life i could have with patrick, but i don't have. i want it so badly and he doesnt understand and now im stuck wondering everyday if im ever going to get it. but at this point, he's the only one i want that life with.
i feel attractive, but i don't think he see's me very sexy anymore ... even though i've lost weight ... i didn't just do it for me ... i kinda thought he would think i was more sexy ... but it seems like it's biting me in the ass. i'm probably just not meant to be happy.
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