Preface
by Supersword

Checking in and musings

04/19/2019

I feel like I'm in high school again, but missing my friend groups. The last time I wrote I was dealing with the fallout of what should have been a grand relationship, but alas, what I perceive things to be is not what they will be. I don't know why it fell through, but I respect her decisions. It is what it is.

As I sit in my room, listening to my music and, admittedly, drinking more than I ought to (I have a fair handle on this, it's just my state right now), I more and more feel my loneliness. My profession involves being around people pretty well continuously, but through both my own fault and my age, I believe, making friends has been somewhat difficult. It is made more difficult by people, frankly, not understanding things. I'm strange. I know I am. It's not how I look, it's what I say and how I act. Those that know me are scattered throughout the province to the point that I could not move to one particular location to be close to them all. I'm 32 now. When I was 18, well...people knew me. They knew what and who I was. I've changed since then, and I have a fair grasp on who I am, but there's no one about to complement that.

This is a vaguely inebriated rant. I need to get this out. The advice is obvious to me (social media, find clubs, adapt, etc). I'm aware. But here's my thoughts:

I'm a metalhead, and people that appreciate metal, in all its forms, are increasingly difficult to find. Where do adult goths and metalheads find each other? Should I be on VampireFreaks and hope for the best? Keep advertising my music choices in the hopes someone will reach out? My friends know me. The one on here knows me. She accepts me. Others back home do, too. But "back home". is it likely for them to? No particularly. Everyone has families, long term relationships, kids, illnesses, etc. No one is in, well, middle ground. At 32, I expected I'd be married with kids of my own, fulfilled, but alas, that is not my lot. God hasn't chosen that path for me, and I'm having trouble interpreting the right path. Stay put, where I know no one, in the hopes that my professional reputation will precede me and open doorways I thought not possible before? Pursue other professional ideas in the larger cities and hope I am not lost completely in the anonymity that comes from larger numbers of people? Move home, where I know people but they are already established? Yeesh. I don't know.
All of this stems from not having people around who GET it. I'm sure this is an issue or thing that others have dealth with or heard before, but yeah. 32 and NOW I'm dealing with this. I'm sure I dealt with it before, but high school politics were far easier to deal with than now because, frankly, they existed.
Maybe I can figure this shit out now. It's not a lack of a relationship that's the issue, it's the lack of anything, really. Yeah, I'm interested in some women, but distance or propriety keeps them at differing lengths. I won't do wrong by them, first off. But that's irrelevant at this point, because they are ALL untouchable for whatever reason. I can't very well move to them, pursue them, etc, because of a) a lack of surety and b) a lack of rightness. *sigh* These are the rantings of a sobering male that, frankly, are all over the place because I'm literally writing my thoughts as they come to me. Read, if you will, but really, these are the themes: loneliness, and a feeling of misunderstanding.

One day at a time. I'll figure it out. Might have to move. Might have to return. Might have to just make myself AVAILABLE. Maybe that's it. I work so much it's rather difficult, and I need to be AROUND people. Maybe that will make the rest slip into place.