It's been that long?!

11/15/2020

I was looking through the few entries I have on this "recently" renewed BloopDiary. I haven't updated since a while ago. August 2019. Holy shit. I've though about it a lot. I know it's not the same as it used to be (I miss some commentaries and friends a great deal from that). But still. This is a place that I trusted with my problems (thank you Rae for bringing me here) then and I do so now. I don't normally write my thoughts, because my brain is safer, but sometimes you need to be heard, even if it's only by a few. I was a member of this page before Facebook was even considered. I wish we were still there. Then I'd be happier alone. But, again, as from the last entry, that's another entry.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Hell. So much. That September I wento to Basic Officer Training. I fucking joined the military! I'm a NAVAL OFFICER! I AM! LIKE HOLY! Three and a bit months of a hell I wish I could go back to...It was everything I needed. Everything I craved... I have some of it now but not everything that experience gave me.

I'm now living on a naval base, completely across the country (something I've always wanted to manage), learning what it means to be a navy officer, to sail the seas, for this nation, which my 17 year old self would be SQUEALING over. I can't even stress that enough. I joined very briefly in 2007, and have felt such shame for having left it so soon. I WISH I'd stayed and served like my brethren did. I want to ask dude (I'll know later. Linney.) if he's still in contact with people from our basic course or not. There's one in paricular I don't remember his name but I wish I did.

Point is, I joined the military, started Basic in September, and it was the most formative experience of my life, I think, and majorly because of the people I met there. Met and SUFFERED with. Suffering build bonds. Our Drill instructors knew this. Perhaps they couldn't know how important it would be for a boy in a man's body that idealized everything, even his government-issued friends. I'll get into it in another post, when I'm more myself. I hope my normal self will see the benefit and catharsis to be had in posting here.

So I graduated in December, against my own odds. And was on taskings, getting fatter and fatter, til now. On course, my...letting myself go I notice more. I'm on course now. Career courses. Learning to be a sailor. I can't wait. Get me to the fleet. I've had my time; it's time ot give myself to service...

An actual explanation would take DAYs. Maybe I'll give it at some point. Eight or nine months on odd taskings, literal nothingness for days during COVID, and a couple months on course, followed by maybe not every going home... That's what I fucking signed up for.