I try to pride myself on being a good person. fair. lovable.. understanding. Drama and anger are worth no good to anyone. But soemtimes I get those selfish moments. It's human after all, right? I never fault anyone on their human feelings, so why am i down on myself for feeling anger and hurt? It's not right. Yet, it's totally human. My brain lately has just been a blended up mush of emotions. Still human right? SO am i being normal, an angry bitch, or a complete pushover for not speking up. All I do is cry. Anger goes straight to tears.
But I'm happy. really truly and surely. I love life. These past few years I've never experienced this kind of happiness.. Elation. Euphoria. Bliss. So am I selfish for wanting more? Or should I be thankful that I am this happy.. or both? I don't know.
I'm so tired of him being angry. Not at me. Never at me.. as far as I know. But of his job. How unfair he is treated. Yet the blissful nature that once was him has faded. I miss him. I miss the love of my life. I miss making him smile in a heartbeat. Now I feel powerless. Yet completely egotistical because why should I think I am all that great persuade his mood to turn a 180?
I'm tired of being broke. Well broke enough to be unwed and without child. Yet I live with the love of my life. It's the economy. It's that no one is ever financially ready for a kid. It's that he has yet to divorce his ex wife. Divorce is expensive. now a days even 5 years is a hard enough time to save money.
I'm happy. honestly. I hate complaining, and crying, and having any other depressing thoughts when I'm really truly happy.
I hate my job. I'm supposed to be a teacher right now. A guide for young open minds. I have my degree in theatre, and I wish to share the arts with the next generation. I took teaching classes, yet still nothing. I've had two job interviews for drama teachers. I blew them both. Why? What is wrong with me? I am seemingly intelligent, slightly flighty, but I know my stuff. Yet I am still stuck in retail. It's not fair.
Yet everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens when it's meant to happen.
I love life, but dammit, I'm becoming impatient. Is this a test?
I just want him happy. Because when he's happy, he makes me happy. I love him so much. I can't stand to see him miserable. Especially when I can't do anything about it...
I've had wine tonight. and I needed to get my feelings out. I miss bloop. I miss how it used to be. But again, it is I who grew apart. Why? no reason. lack of time? maybe. who knows.
I'm tired of whining. I love life. I really do. Is it wrong of me to want to love it more?
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