Time: 6:13am
State of Being: tired, stressed, anxious
Song lyric in my head: if you can be somebody
current desire: to be a good teacher
where am I?: in the living room on the couch
what's that noise?: listening to KVJ
I can't shake this horrid brain funk. It's never been this bad before. I'm tired of crying and anxiety attacks. I keep telling myself every day that this is just another day in my life. And this is just another life era, and before I know it, it'll be over.
I was looking forward to this job, and I feel like a failure. I feel like I appeal to higher level thinkers. Kindergarten is so difficult, especially children with learning and behavioral disabilities. I'm constantly judged on how well I can control them, and I can't do that long enough.
The high school science teacher just quit yesterday, and I mentioned to the directors that I was interested in the position, because I taught high school science last year. It was "being considered." But I doubt it, because if I can't control kindergartners in their eyes, how can I control high schoolers?
It sucks, because I LOVE kids. I love teaching. But I cannot do that with these kids. Every day is a struggle. Every day, I'm constantly exhausted. I go home into a pile of mush. I wake up not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.
Jilly came to visit this weekend. One of my best friends ever I haven't seen in so long. Her wedding in is a couple weeks. I could barely socialize. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry, and I felt so guilty.
I've never had a brain funk this bad before. I'm so incredibly stressed. I can't shake this. I feel ridiculous and overdramatic, but it doesn't make it any less real. Part of me just wants to quit. But the other part knows that rent needs to be paid, and I'm not a quitter by nature. But I don't know how long I can take this.
-mel-
6:24am
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