Time: 9:35pm
State of Being: ugh
Song lyric in my head:
current desire: to run far far away and start over
where am I?: in the bedroom on the bed
what's that noise?: the fans
I just remember so many day of wishing for a full time teaching job. Be careful what you wish for, right? I think that's life way of mocking me sometimes. Here ya go! Jokes on you!
I feel like an absolute failure. But these kids are too much for me. I can no longer work with kids who have behavioral issues. (I quit the first school I taught at with students with behavioral issues too) And it wouldn't be so terrible if I actually had support from my administration. Unfortunately, nothing I can do will please my assistant director. My director stopped talking to me, so I assume he's aware of how horrible a teacher I am.
I've asked for advice and help, but all I did was get written up. ANYTHING I do, this woman attacks like a snake. The other day, I accidentally left the classroom five minutes earlier than usual for the end of the day, so we just sat outside practicing letters and numbers. She e-mailed me asking why I was out there, and I explained that we were slightly early, but we practiced letters and numbers on the bench. Then I get a whole e-mail of how teaching "bell to bell" (we have no real bell. just a figure of speech) is mandatory and I need to plan my lessons better. blablablabla. dude. five minutes. back off.
I'm tired of crying. I hate crying. I swear I'm a happy person by nature, but right now I'm miserable, and it sucks. I can't do panic attacks anymore. I'm constantly exhausted, but not in a "I fulfilled my life's pursuit" kind of exhausted. It's the "I'm busting my ass at this dream goal and getting shit on for it" exhausted.
I keep practicing my resignation speech. I even wrote a letter. I'm so mad at myself for wanting to quit. I'm not a quitter. Plus, how will Russ and I live? All he has is a crappy part time job and can't seem to get anything else.
But I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm constantly in a state of anxiety. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. How is this possible for one person? I know I go through bouts of depression and stress, but this is over the time.
It's not healthy for me. It's not healthy for the kids.
What do I do? I'm so lost. I really can't take this anymore. I don't know if I can get the courage to quit though. So I'm stuck in this loop of insanity.
I feel like a failure.
I miss teaching middle and high school kids. I want them back.
-mel-
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