Time: 12:41am
State of Being: eh. it's so weird how i can have so many emotions at once. Ranging from happiness, to nervousness, ot anger. I guess it's called being human
Song lyric in my head: love love love love love love (plain white ts hate is a strong word)
current desire: a new job... or the same just just revamped
where am I?: in the bedroom on the bed
what's that noise?: russ sleeping next to me.. the fans
So where to begin? the wedding!
The wedding was so much fun. As I mentioned briefly, I had too much fun for my own good. I'm still very embarrassed for my actions. I think I danced more than any person should ever dance. And the funny thing is is that I hate dancing. I mean at home in the confines of my own atmosphere. Perhaps with my own music blasting. Or with a few friends going crazy just for fun. But out in public? no way. I can't dance. If you look up dorky white girl dancing, somewhere there has to be a video of me as the definition. But I guess alcohol changes that. too much. and I danced. And of course I'm embarrassed. like really embarrassed. I have a vague flashback of doing dramatic lip-syncing. Crazy dramatic arm flails of emotions as I lip-synced to a song I can't remember right now. *facepalm*
I don't drink very often any more. The occasional glass of wine, or if i'm out, i'll have a beer or two. But liquor and I had a friendly agreement that if we crossed paths, we wouldn't associate with one another. I'm already spontaneous by nature. Lowering my inhibitions is way too much fun for me. And I can't lie. I had fun. But I can only imagine what I put Russ through.
somehow that night, I ended up with a HUGE bruise on my outside right thigh just above my knee. And I mean HUGE. bigger than my hand. I have no clue how it got there. Russ said I fell down a lot so it's no surprise lol.
oh and I vaguely remember going outside to smoke with Cameron, Charles (two of Russ' close friends who are my friends too), and some dude I didn't know who decided it was a good idea to get as close as possible to me. Kind of creeped me out. I remember giving Cameron the 'help me' look. lol. And I remember talking way too loud outside. And Saturday, I blew my personal THC ban, so now I'm currently two days THC free. in case I get hired at that new place and have to take a drug test.
sooo school... yeh. today, the history/math teacher got fired. *sigh* He texted me about 4ish to tell me. They gave him two weeks to stay, and he's not coming back next semester. It's not like it's a surprise at all, but I can't help but be really pissed. He's a great guy, and he's a great teacher.
Evaluations are this week, so I'm really nervous. Either I'm going to get fired, nothing is going to happen, or I might even get promoted. I doubt the last one.
But I don't even know if I want to stay at that school. There's just too much drama, and if the job is that tentative, why should I even stay?
I'm really hoping the other school calls me for an interview. I sent my resume out last Wednesday.
So I taught 11-3, and then had pharmbox duty from 4:30-9. Being the first of the month AND a monday, it was busy. And then the printer stopped working. And THEN i remembered the oh-so awesome stress I forgot about these last few days. Something about feeling human.
School was okay. For a monday, the kids were kind of tired. Until my last class when they turned into the loveable hellions they are. I really don't know what to do with this one kid. He's just constantly making inappropriate and negative comments. Then he turns around and blames it on his mental disability. I don't know how much truth there is in that. I have him figured out, but I can't talk to him the way I want to for fear of it getting back to me. Most of the kids in that school are very strong Christians. He's expressed very often outwardly in almost a hurtful manner that he disagrees. "The Bible is a lie." "God doesn't exist." Things like that. Okay. I've stressed so many times to that class to respect any and all beliefs. And there's no respect. Then he chews up pens and spits them on the desk. More like lets the pens fall out of his mouth in glop of spit. And he does it on purpose. Yet when I call him out on it, he says it's a mental thing. And he does that, because I had told him to stop doing something in class that was really distracting the the rest of them. Some kind of stress relieving technique where he holds his hands far outward, makes fists, and just shakes them. I had thought he was just being a bit of a clown. He tells his therapist I told him to stop, who in turn tells the principal, who in turn asks me why I told him to stop with his therapeutic technique. Now I honestly think he uses anything he does as an excuse for bad behavior, because he knows I can't call him out on it. He also says really hurtful things under his breath that I pretend I don't hear. I don't know what do do about it. I can't go to the principal, because she'll blame his mental disorder.
I wouldn't call him autistic, even though I think he is on the spectrum. He has emotional issues. But he's a genius. I believe his IQ is extremely high, and when he has great things to say in class, he has GREAT things to say in class. Up until just the last month or so, he used to be my favorite. (yes. I have favorites lol). But now it really seems like he's out to push my buttons. In fact, I KNOW he's out to push my buttons. I don't outwardly show it. In fact, I'm just even more nicer. But it's really distracting.
I dunno. I really want to learn to be a great teacher. I want to be there for kids. I want to learn proper classroom management. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. And I've heard these are common thoughts new teachers have so I'm just going to truck forward.
Anywho, not much else to babble on about. 
peace!
-mel-
1:15am
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