Time: 1:13am
State of Being: sleepy, but i can't sleep
current desire: to have a day off tomorrow
where am I?: in the bedroom on the bed
what's that noise?: Russ snoring next to me
So this is going to be one of those entries displaying the inner depths of my disturbed mind.
So lately I've been thinking a lot about death. I've realized how much i really do fear it. It's gotten to the point where I begin to panic. One day I will cease to exist in this form. Will I even exist at all? That thought terrifies me. I've always had a fascination with ghosts and Near Death Experiences, so in the back of my mind I KNOW something is going to happen after we die. But do I really know? Am I completely certain? There are so many beliefs about what happens. So many. I grew up a Christian. And for the most part, I am. Just pretty opened minded. I don't believe in taking the Bible literally. Some of those laws, and some of those teachings just do not make sense. There are far too many interpretations to even begin to develope the TRUTH. The only thing I truly care about are the two commandments Jesus taught us were the most important. Love others, and love God. All the other jargon in the Bible is hard to fathom. Yes, there are some amazing lessons in there and there is a lot of good that can be learned. However, I think that most of it is distorted by human error. Whether it is in interpretation or putting together the book itself. So many stories were left out on purpose by MEN who wanted to mold the minds of others. I could go on.
The Bible is a controversial subject, and even though it is my diary, I still do not wish to offend anyone. I respect any and all beliefs. I was a Religious Studies Minor in college and studied so many belief systems. My focus was New Age beliefs. However, I did study the main religions, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, and Hinduism.
So before I digressed, I said that I grew up as a Christian. There for logically, when I die, I will go to Heaven. The end. Is it? I personally don't believe in Hell. Or at least an eternal one. I believe that if God is as loving as they say He is, He won't send anyone anywhere negative. OR let anyone send themselves there, because the argument is that He doesn't send anyone there. So do we get a consequence for our actions in life?
A serial killer with abosutely no remorse dies. Time itself is eternal, and during that infinite amount of time, this killer lived to let's say... 60. He died in jail, or was executed. Let's say he was never even caught and died getting hit by a car crossing the street. Does this person have to pay a penalty for such a short life compared the rest of eternity?
And how does human psychology play into it? Some people are hardwired to be psychopaths. Can you really send a person to an eternity of hellfire, because of a chemical imbalance in their brain?
But I digress again.
Death.
I fear it. Maybe I do fear an eternal hellfire for not believing every word of the Bible. A hell I don't even believe in.
Reincarnation. My logic tells me that reincarnation is real. Without going into detail, I've done my fair share of research and heard personal testimonies of people remembering past lives. I believe in soul mates. I believe we travel through time together surrounded by the same group of souls constantly meeting and getting to know new ones. Constantly learning life lessons.
Or do I believe in reincarnation?
I don't even know what do believe sometimes.
And that scares me.
I truly fear death to the point where I panic. One day I will not exist, and I have NO idea what's going to happen. These thoughts cross my mind almost every day. Sometimes I obsess. Like right now. My brain can't shake itself out of the thought. Sometimes it's just a brief second out the day and I let it go.
I don't want to go through life fearing death. What kind of life is that?
I try to be good person. I try to live a happy life. I don't know many people who would say they don't.
I just don't want to one day not exist. That completely weirds me out.
I need to get to bed. I'm pretty tired. I've been pretty run-down all day. Stupid cold. For some reason, I'm just awake right now.
Tomorrow I work (teach) 11-3 and work at the phamacy 4:30-9. I'm off BOTH jobs Wednesday and Thursday. I was originally working Wednesday, but I asked our cashier, Dwynnifer if she wanted an extra shift, and she took it. I just REALLY needed a day off. We don't have school Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday, but I still have wal-mart duty Friday from 3-9.
Wednesday and Thursday will be my first two days off in a row since August. woo-hoo! I've worked 6 and 7 day work weeks since AUGUST! AND I'm off Saturday and Sunday. Russ' friend, Dennis is getting married. yayfun!
okay for real. bedtime.
if you've made it this far, thank you for listening to my ramblings. I hope they haven't offended or disturbed you. I'm not generally a morbid person. Just a person with annoying morbid thoughts lol. I'm actually a self proclaimed hippie. Peace, love, THC. (for real, I do believe in and promote peace and love to everyone.)
peace!
-mel-
1:40am
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