Time: 2:03pm
State of Being: a mixture of a lot
Song lyric in my head:
current desire: an easy life
where am I?: at home on the bed
what's that noise?: the fans. the cat's collar jingling
so hi. it's been a while. like always.
biggest news to date: I quit that teaching job a couple weeks ago.
When Winter Break was coming around, they promoted me to the lead 4th and 5th grade teacher, because the other teacher quit. I was kind of excited, yet nervous at the same time. See there's this bitch who pretty much heads the elementary school. All she does is yell at the students and the teachers too. So since I got promoted, I was being yelled at pretty much every day. Add that to the stress of working two jobs, six days a week, I just couldn't do it any more. So I quit.
That's the nutshell version.
I miss my kids. So so so much. I really wanted to teach them, and help them become awesome people. I had 12 kids in my class. Two of them autistic, a few OCDs and learning disabilities, a few ADHDs, and a few behavioral issues. Some of them had more than one. It was a challenge. And I was up to it. But I wasn't allowed to instill my teaching philosophies. I couldn't help them the way I saw morally, ethically, and educationally fit. I had to conform to the standards of the school. Which meant mostly discipline.
example: One of my 5th graders was put in time out for something during his free time. I didn't really know what he did. I started talking to him. I asked him what happened (because I wasn't there). I asked him if he thought he made a good choice, and if there was a better way to handle the situation. (I can't really remember the exact scenario. It was something like talking too loud.) He was finally starting to get it, when SHE walks by "He's in time out! You should not be talking to him!" I threw my hands up in defense, and backed up. The kid was looking at me with such hurt eyes.
example two: same kid a different day. He went back to his seat again for another time out. And he was SEETHING. I had other kids in my area trying to catch up on school work, and was bringing down the mood of the "room." (it's not a room. just a group of seats. the school is in the same room separated by dividers. except mine was open so SHE could watch all day from her area ten feet away) I go up to him and ask him what's wrong. He was too angry to speak. I asked him if he wanted to write it out or draw what happened. His eyes lit up. "I can draw?" Because I know drawing can be therapeutic, and maybe he'll get a new perspective. So I gave him paper and a pencil, and I told him to draw me what happened. a few minutes later, SHE walks by "Why are you drawing??" She snatches the paper from him, turns to me. "He should not be drawing now! You need to learn to manage this class better yada yada yada I'm bitching at you in front of your kids like i do every day because I have too much sand up my vagina..." okay so I paraphrased it. But again, the kid looks at me because now he's even in more trouble from her and he's hurt and even more angry. I did approach her later to explain the situation and my point of view, but basically got shot down.
And stuff like that was just a daily occurrence. It got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. A Sunday night after Russ and I got back from a weekend in Tampa to go to Busch Gardens, I basically had a panic attack. I was crying. I couldn't breath, and I was begging him to not let me go back there. So I put in my notice a couple days later and my last day was a week after that.
It really sucks, because I love those kids, and I miss them so much. I wasn't allowed to tell them I was leaving. I basically had to leave, and not come back. I got caught telling one of them on my last day, and again got berated in front of him. (by HER) "While you're here at this school, melissa, you still have to follow our rules!" *sigh* So now I fear that the kids think I just abandoned them. Especially that one boy from the above examples. He used to come to me when he had problems so he could talk them out. "Miss Melissa, can I talk to you?" "Of course." We'd step aside then he'd whisper. "I was starting to feel angry, but I'm trying to let it go. Like you told me to. It's kind of working, but I'm still a little angry." .. conversations went like that a lot. lol.
But yeh. I had to quit. I couldn't do it anymore.
other big news: I'm 30. *gasp* I'm an old fart now.
peace!
-mel-
2:30pm
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