no logical reason

12/09/2014

Time: 11:25pm

State of Being: despite the still lingering stress, i'm in a good mood

current desire: to have a baby, to live forever, to know my occupational future.

where am I?: in the bedroom on the bed

what's that noise?: the fans. Russ trying to fall asleep next to me.




It's been a few days since my last update. Been super busy. I had to work both Saturday and Sunday at wal-mart, and I didn't get off until 10:30 friday night.. wait.. i vaguely remember writing that already.. oh yeh.. it's all coming back to me now. okay good. So I don't have to talk about Friday. Friday was bad. Stupid pharmacy.

I went into work on Saturday at 9am and didn't leave till 3 something. I filled in for Donald, because he had a parade he had to be in. I wanted to work on my exams and study guides, but I was SO tired that I didn't get much done. Plus Meghan called me in a fit of anguish due to her relationship issues. We ended up talking for two hours. (literally 2 hours and 1 minute lol). Which was cool. I do miss her. Despite how much i want to smack her up the head. I was extremely blunt (out of love) with her. And I'm really glad I can do that. Her relationship has been unhealthy since the beginning. It's just way too long of a story. But they've already broken up a couple times already (RED FLAG). And each time, she goes into a hibernating self detrimental state. And now he's moved a few hours away to be with his kids. They're doing this long distance thing, and his phone doesn't work, and she's crazy and paranoid, and it's all just wrong. Exhaustingly wrong. I told her, that I honestly don't think, despite his issues, that he's a bad guy. Their relationship is just unhealthy. And Meghan doesn't know how to be alone. She fears being alone. She moved up to SC a few years ago, and still doesn't have any really close group of friends. So she's so lonely and homesick, and the only person she really had was David, and now she doesn't have him and she's going crazy.

So that's Meghan.

I got done some of my exams and study guides. Was up till about 1am. I had to be at work at the pharmacy at 10am the next day. worked from 10-6. and pretty much worked on my exams and study guides all night long. I finally finished them Monday morning before school. I brought them to my principal... and she loved them! woo-hoo! kudo points for mel!

My high school kid is still giving me attitude. I try my best to be so nice to him. Somehow we got onto this conversation about college. He said he thinks college is pointless and isn't going. I told him, that yes, college isn't for everyone, but I truly think that he can benefit from it. I told him that I think he is amazingly smart and all college can do is allow him to progress in his intelligence. He said there's no point, because he won't be able to get a job any way because people don't hire autistic people. I told him while there are those that do discriminate, there are so many others that will hire him. He was still giving me snarky remarks. All I did was counteract that with a compliment. I guess call it a social experiment. He's the rebellious type. He likes to mock everyone and make inappropriate comebacks to everything. I've decided not to take anything he says to heart. He's a 14 year old boy. I'm not going to be bested by a 14 year old boy. He's honestly one of the smartest people I've ever met, and he can be very insightful, however, he can be so rude and obnoxious sometimes.

Speaking of teaching, my dad's friend who has that opening at her school to teach autistic kids asked him about me today. I had submitted my cover letter and resume a couple weeks ago. I did it again today for the new ad on the school district's website. I really want a full-time salary job.

If I do get this job, I'm really going to miss those kids. One of the girls that I've become kind of close with, is leaving for this pseudo-military school at the end of this semester for six months. I told her I'm going to miss her and she said "but you're coming back next year, right?" with those eyeballs that she knows how to get out of trouble with lol. (she's actually a menace, and can be rude and obnoxious, but has really changed a lot for me after I talked one on one with her a couple times. She actually reminds me of Meghan with her anger issues. Maybe that's why i know how to talk with her so well.) I said yes, because i didn't know what else to say.

There's no logical reason not to take this job. Full-time. Benefits. Salary. DUH! right now, I'm working two part-time jobs with no benefits. Even during the summer, after school ends, I'm still going to have to be at wal-mart, because I won't get paid for anything else over the summer. And it will only be part-time hours. Right now with teaching and the pharmacy, I'm racking in 40-50 hours a week (depending on the week.) During the summer, I'll be back down in the 20s. Not great for paying bills. With a salary job, I wouldn't have to worry about that.

The only thing holding me back are the kids. I want to see them flourish. I want to see the school grow and succeed.

However, with this new job, I will get to attend night classes to teach me how to work with autistic kids. (I really miss going to school to learn. lol) I honestly need training. I need these classes. I've been teaching autistic kids for about two years now, and sometimes I wish I had formal training. I do what feels right. What my gut says to do, but I second guess myself all the time.

Again, no logical reason not to take the job.

I'll just have to have an awkward conversation with the principal. I hate quitting jobs. I really do. The act of quitting, I mean. The conversation is always weird and emotional (in my brain).

Anywho, so a couple days ago I broke down and smoked again. I hadn't heard anything from that other school, and I was really stressing out. Oh this was Saturday night after I talked to Meghan. Russ had gone out to watch the fight at the bar, and I stayed home to work on school stuff. Wal-mart the last couple days was just getting to me. Meghan's drama was getting to me. I needed to concentrate harder. (yes, weed helps with my concentration), so I smoked a bowl. So now I have to drink tons of water in case I do get called in for an interview and hired. So now I'm back to two days THC free. Not that I don't drink tons of water all day any way. But still. wal-mart just really stresses me out.

Today at the pharmacy I got screamed at by two people. I was stuck at the register all night and couldn't do anything so a lot of things were left undone tonight. When I got to work, they were so backed up. Ram (pharmacist) was on edge. And all i wanted to do was just walk out. Unfortunately, bills still need to get paid so I have to keep my job. *sigh*

see, no logical reason to not take that job. I just really love those kids. I loved the kids at my last school too, and I think about them all the time. I think I get way too attached.

So anyway Russ took me to school this morning. He said he had a dream last night about trying to avoid death, and created some kind of serum for it and all hell was unleashed yada yada yada. So I said that his dream was kind of ironic, because i've been thinking about death a lot lately. And how it really gives me anxiety to think about. I even started crying in the car a little bit. The thought of it just petrifies me. The thought of not being me anymore. ugh.. i don't want to talk about it now. I know I should. I know I should let it out, but it doesn't change the fact that it's going to happen anyway whether I'm terrified or not.

My plaguing death thoughts have to be unhealthy. lol.

wow. what a way to end an entry. I just have nothing else to talk about. lol

peace!
-mel-
12:07am