Time: 11:01am
State of Being: fine
fine
Song lyric in my head:
current desire:
nothing at the moment
where am I?: in the living room on the couch
what's that noise?: there's a preschool right across the street. I hear kids playing. 
what is this? two days in a row of diary writing? Did I flash back to my 20 year old mentality? Looking through the way-back machine glimpse of my old life really gave me a huge insight to who i am. I read a random mundane entry about how I had an exam the next day that I didn't study for and how stressed out I was. I miss my college life.
Not to mention all the friends I made here at bloop. How we used to read each other's diaries every day. And a few of my friends had their own story diaries as well. We never missed a latest entry.
I updated EVERY DAY, sometimes multiple times a day. I really wish I saved it all before the crash.
Anywho, I'm off work today. I planned on sitting here and writing all day. I'm working on a story now. Well I've sorta been writing it off an on for a couple years. But the last few days, I've been in writing mode. Some kind of creativity burst just hit me.
I'm bound and determined to publish a novel some time in my life. It's going to happen.
I miss creativity. I was a theatre major in college. I flourished in abstract thoughts. I flourished in using the creative part of my brain. I miss being on stage. So much.
A couple years ago, I scratched that itch when I took a couple stand-up comedy classes at the Improv. It was so so much fun. This was my VERY first one. HERE! (yay! still have that HTML in me woot!) and this one was I think was my third or fourth one: HERE! Yes my full name is used so please don't be a crazy stalker. I'm broke so robbing and/or ransom won't get you far. lol
Stand up comedy was SO much fun. and I met a lot of very funny talented people. I want to do it again, but the classes cost money that I don't have. (remember that broke thing)
Also to scratch my itch, I have a pseudo other job as a DJ that can host bar Bingo and bar Trivia. It's also a lot of fun. But my regular gig fell through a couple weeks ago, so I haven't been on the mic for a while. I really hope I get another gig soon.
I love being in the center of a crowd. I love entertaining people. Making them laugh and smile. As a DJ, I loved stopping what I'm doing and saying. "I need some random enthusiasm out there! I need to hear your voice!" then the whole crowd would cheer. It feels good.
Yet, I'm a pharmacy technician at Wal-Mart. Do you see my internal dilemma? That job just negates everything I try and be in life. At work, I have to be organized, detailed, and everything I do goes against the side of the brain I'm meant to utilize in life. Then i begin to forget who I am. Not to mention I'm annoyingly jaded. I don't trust anyone who brings in a controlled substance. And the sad part is, every day someone tells me that their mom/dad/brother/sister/husband/wife/themselves/or someone they care about is extremely sick and really needs their medication. And it's sad that I don't want to hear it anymore. Does that make me an awful person. I care so deeply about people. I do. But I can't let my emotional side get in the way of me doing my job, so I have to turn it off.
With my ex and his family being pillheads, I know the kind of people who get pills for the wrong reasons. I remember going to a little old lady's house to buy Somas and Oxycodones. I trust nobody at my job. And it sucks, because I want to love everyone. And at least once a day somebody is pissed off at us for some stupid reason or another. Number one, it's wal-mart. number two, it's a pharmacy. The combination of those two create a hoard of some of the most insensitive, obnoxious people. I can't do it anymore. Five years is too long. Also considering that I've been in retail since I was 16. I'm done.
But I can't be done. Until I get a stable job that I love, that will completely benefit my future career in either the arts or teaching or both, I'm stuck in the pharm. Because as crappy as it is, it's a good job. It's not going anywhere, and if we ever hopefully have to move, i can find it anywhere.
So back on the notion of pillheads. I honestly despise them. I watched my ex's parents pop TWENTY pills in their mouth at once and basically fall asleep eating. I promise you, I'm not exaggerating. I watched them count out the pills. Pills are bad. Though I'm entitled to slight hypocritical-ness, because I love xanax. That sounded really bad. lol! Someone may provide me with a pill every two to three years or so. I should actually get a prescription. My brain is always full of anxious thoughts. When I take a xanax, those thoughts go away. I feel.. normal. And I wonder if that's how normal people go on though life. In the last 10 years, I think I've only had about 6.
But I do smoke pot. I am a pot head. I believe in legalization for so many reasons. It's safer than alcohol, there are virtually no negative health consequences, and there are more health benefits than anything else. It makes me feel good. It opens my brain to that creative side I love. I only really smoke at home and at night before bed. Sometimes when I have the day off, I'll smoke a little bit in the morning. Florida is putting medical use on the ballot for November. I cannot wait until the law actually passes. I wish they would just go ahead and make it legal recreationally, but we can't get ahead of ourselves yet. It's PLANT. How can one make a plant illegal. But I've ranted way too many times. It's pointless. So we're just gonna have to wait patiently.
I should have more randomness to babble on about, but alas, I must bring this to a close.
peace!
-mel-
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