Time: 6:27am
State of Being: not good
Song lyric in my head:
current desire: to be happy
where am I?: in the livingroom on the couch
what's that noise?: the radio
I don't know if I can handle today. I keep going back and forth between "I can do this." to "I can't handle this."
School would be fine if I wasn't constantly being hounded by her.
I sent off like 15 resumes yesterday. I hate that I really do like this school, and I was fine before she started to get on my case for BS stuff. Now, it's all I can think of. I spent the entire day yesterday in a state of anxiety. I can't even enjoy a day off. I can't relax. I'm constantly on edge and on the brink of tears. This is ridiculous. From an outside perspective, I see that it looks so overdramatic and just plain dumb. I know I'm always stressed out about something, but this is crazy. Something is wrong with my brain. I just signed up for insurance with this job, so maybe I can start getting help with my mental crap. But I don't know if I want to stick with it that long.
Part of me wants to try and get through the year. Not only for financial reasons, but because it'll look good on my resume. But the other part is falling apart inside. I'm tired of this anxiety. I'm tired of constantly crying.
Yes the kids have issues. Yes they are difficult to handle. But that's different. It's a different kind of stress. I'm up for that challenge. I love helping kids. But if I'm constantly being scrutinized, because of the teaching style I was upfront about from the very beginning, then is it worth the stress? I focus on motivation and positivity. NOT discipline. Let me do my job the way I see fit. Let kids be kids. Let them have fun. Let them have emotions. Let them learn how to work through those emotions. What you see as misbehavior, I see as a need for attention and/or the need to just be themselves.
I can't handle her. I can't do this anymore. It's not healthy.
I just don't know how to quit. I hate quitting things. The thought of putting in a notice terrifies me. Then the thought of staying terrifies me, so I just freeze.
I'm sitting on the couch now shaking. My heart is racing, and I'm trying to fight an anxiety attack. Another one. They are daily now, multiple times a day. I've never gone through something like this before.
I was really looking forward to this job. I really wanted to teach. I finally have a full time salary job at a school, and I'm blowing it. If I quit, I'll let myself down. I'll let my parents down. Is it worth it to stay though?
I try to take it one day at a time, and one week at a time. I'm constantly practicing my "I resign" speech.
Oh.. the science teacher quit because of her too. Maybe If I do, they'll realize she's detrimental to the staff and the school.
okay gotta force myself to get ready for the day. I should have been dressed and almost ready by now. I just can't seem to make myself get up from the couch. Which is why I blooped.
I feel absolutely ridiculous.
-mel-
6:43am
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