Yesterday

Of course now, my mind is on Robert because he was just here... I'll get to this later.

Yesterday:

I woke up after not sleeping well at all with Alyssa knocking on my door as she does every morning when she gets up.  From that moment, I was irritable with anxiety high.

Naomi is still in hospital.  Jamie wanted to go get his prescriptions.  Cody wasn't home.  Terra was coming over to hang out. 

No one knows where Cody goes when he leaves - he texts me maybe once just to say that he's with friends and he'll be home at 10 pm.  Well, he's already in trouble from before Naomi went to ER... now as of  Wednesday he's expelled for the things that they found in his bag at school.  I've told him that if he doesn't get home we were going to report him as a runaway and police were going to be here to take him to juvie until Naomi got home.  He texts back "I'll be home by 10" but never is.

Jamie got frustrated when i told him that I was going with Terra for awhile because he wanted to go get his pills and Cody wasn't here to stay with Alyssa for awhile so we could get things done.

(yes, I could have taken Alyssa with me - I wasn't feeling well though and needed time away for awhile - plus it was raining, cold, and windy yesterday).

Vincent could have stayed with Alyssa.  All Jamie and Vince really care about is Jamie's adderall.  Jamie called in his precriptions instead of meeting with Kim.

I texted my Dad asking if we could talk for a bit.  He said I could move in with him for awhile because of all the stress here, Robert, etc.  I found out yesterday that he got a letter regarding forclosure.  Him and I got in an argument basically during our chat.  I got upset - he got upset.  There's a lot that I can't go into about on here though - things he's told me regarding his health.

I was already wanting to take all my pills yesterday before him and I talked.  Those thoughts do not go away at all lately... same thoughts my sister described on the phone today actually.  I threw my pills up where I can't reach them - out of sight - out of mind - at least more than they were.

I got ready to meet Terra down the street.  I was blacking out way too much and should have just had her meet me here.  Even though Vincent walked with me - I don't remember the walk there at all.

Terra and I met at Arby's - talked for awhile - don't remember our conversations at all from yesterday - we went to Walgreens to see if Vincent was still there.

We got on the bus to Portland.  I texted Josh a few times.  My Dad texted me saying he was really upset about our conversation.  Robert texted me asking if I was ok and if I wanted him to come out here and take care of me - he knows I'm stressed to the maximum - over that actually.

Fred Meyers at N Lombard - we find something to eat because I knew if I didn't I was going to end up passing out.

7 PM I got back on the max feeling a lot better after eating.  I started drinking my red bull.  Got off the max at Delta Park to get on the bus that goes back to Vancouver. 

The bus started and as time went on my anxiety went up.  There's a roundabout the bus has to do in Jantzen Beach area - first panic attack hit.  Full blown.  The bus turned and never seemed like it was stopping.  I got extremely light headed - heart raced.  I managed to calm down.  I got across the river - second panic attack hit.  Full blown again.  I tried to relax.  Nothing helped.  I got off the bus at the first stop after the river.  Called Josh (ex this time) and talked to him for awhile while walking around to a different bus stop with the bus that goes straight to the apartment.  I called Jackie and talked to her until it got there and told her I would call her back when I got home.  Got on the bus - was fine until about the 3 or 4th bus stop - third panic attack started.  I could tell the people on the bus were wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't walk.  Head spinning.  Heart racing... pounding.  I tried everything I could think of.  It was dark outside.  Even though I rode that bus tons of times - I still couldn't figure out where we were.  I saw the sign that says "emergency" and that just made everything worse.  I had to resort to the only thing that worked before, even though I didn't want to call - I'm angry at myself for calling Carlos' work number (this is another entry at a later time to go into - not right now).  I called - panic attack turned into just anxiety.  Few minutes later - panic attack started again.  I called again.  I'm angry at this point knowing I shouldn't be calling him, but at the same time I knew he wasn't in his office and wouldn't answer.  Safety - that's all I cared about.  I got off the bus as soon as it turned on my street.  I paid attention to my breathing.  I turned on my ipod - bad idea, which usually is one of the first things I do and I am able to relax more - didn't work at all.  I called Jamie and asked him if he would tell Vincent to meet me down the street - at this point, I was worried it was going to happen again and I was going to just collapse on the side of the street or die.  I kept calling Jackie and she never answered - pretty much like a "fuck you" right now (again, another entry for another time - she knew I was having a difficult night with the first panic attack).  

Vincent was walking down the other side of the street.  At first I couldn't say anything - its like being completely paralyzed and wanting to scream but you can't even open your mouth. 

I told Vincent what was going on once he ran across the street.  By that time I was talking non stop and really fast.  We walked home.

Jamie was on the phone with Naomi.  He's worried, angry, disappointed, etc regarding Cody.  I told him about the text message I got from him - he called Naomi back and told her that he at least texted me.  That's when I texted him and told him that if he didn't come home we were going to report him as a runaway - 2 now 3 days gone.  He told me he would be home at 10 but from what I know he didn't come home.

This is just a brief version of yesterday - if I keep typing about this I'll end up with another panic attack - I'm stressed beyond any stress that anyone should have to be going through ever. 

The difference is: if I ended my life, no one would know until it was too late.