Money And Guilt Knives

01/05/2013

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5th January 2012, 8.10 PM.

Frog, I think that you will approve of this layout.

So people. I counted my Hari Raya money just now and gosh, I got such a lot!!! Well, a lot for me but I don't know if it's a lot to you.

Also, if you don't know what Hari Raya is, please don't ask me. Google it or something. I don't feel like explaining anything at the moment. Even if I was, I wouldn't know how to explain it.

So! Back to the money. I won't say how much I got, just to be safe but it is NOT over a thousand. That would be crazy!!

Hmm. I was thinking of my late grandfather just now. Everytime, I think of him, a Guilt Knife stabs me in the heart. It's because, well, uhm, when he went into the hospital, my mom had asked me to come with her but it was night by then, and I was feeling sleepy and I refused to go because I wanted to sleep and I thought it would be like all those times that he'd be alright by the next day. Well, it wasn't. OK, maybe it was, but I didn't see him again. Then, he entered the hospital again a few weeks later or something, and this time it was urgent and my mom was telling us to hurry and pack up and she brought my brother and I to the hospital. We sat in the waiting room and later on, the doctor told us that he pass-that he left the Earth. My mother, my aunty, and my grandmother cried. Me? I squirted one tear. It's not that I don't love him, it's just that I'm embarrassed to cry in public but that's not an excuse 'cause when my hamsters died, I cried a river (not really). That just shows how heartless I am.

But the Guilt Knife stabs me everytime because...on the night that I slept while my mom went to see my grandfather...he asked for me. Gosh, even though I'm feeling really guilty and sad right now, the tears won't come out! D:

Have a..nice day, everyone. .-.

EDIT: I remember after that, I had a dream and there was this part when I saw my grandfather. I got excited and turned around and called to my mom. I pointed to my grandfather and tried to tell her that I'd seen him. But he was gone. Now I wonder whether I managed to say goodbye to him in the dream or not. But anyway. I didn't have any more dreams with my grandfather in it. If I remember correctly, that was the first dream I had with him in it. *Shrugs* Who knows?

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Ah yes, this layout meets with my approval!

People often find it easier to cry about smaller things than bigger things, because the emotions are easier to handle, so they can come out easily in tears. One of the famous essayists (I can't remember which, alas - I just remember reading a huge book of famous essays back when I was 19) wrote an essay about it - he told the story of some case where a king couldn't cry when his own son died, but he could cry at funerals of people he didn't know very well. The essayist was basically saying that it's harder to cry when something is so very painful and personal, because the emotions are too overwhelming to deal with easily. It makes sense, I think - it's very easy to cry in a 'tear jerker' movie, for instance, even though it's about fictional characters. But don't worry about the fact that you're not crying yet. You'll cry when you're ready - once you've processed the feelings.

[frog

|0 likes] [|reply]

Alright. Thanks for telling me!

[The Dream Journalist|0 likes] [|reply]

I feel so sad for you when you told the dream where your grandfather was there and you looked around for your mum but you turned back he wasn't there. I can't remember how My grandfather looked like and I feel guilty about it :"""(

[DreamOreoCookies|0 likes] [|reply]

Diary added to your faves.

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