♥ Ask me a question! ♥ Names And Nicknames ♥ My Scratch profile! ♥The Entry Where I Was Supposed to Figure Myself Out but Ended Up Ranting and Cussing SUNDAY
28th June 2014, 12.15 AM
What am I doing up this late? Well, I'm typing right now, what else?
Hello, reader. How's life's lemons?
I've been thinking about this for a while. Why do I act the way I am? I mean, I know all that "be yourself" and "you are who you are" stuff. Seriously, though, what shaped me into my current personality? There was especially one time when I got annoyed when my father said that I was normal. If I didn't like people thinking I was weird, why didn't I like it when my father said the opposite? Turns out, I didn't need to think much to get to the answer.
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So, why exactly do I act like a complete idiot that can't use common sense sometimes?
I've always been a bubbly sort of person. Ever since I was young, I've always been smiling, laughing, singing, dancing, and basically doing lots of cheery stuff. I've always liked making new friends, even if I am rather shy to strangers at first. Now, I'm not quite sure how it came to me back then but I've always had the notion to make people laugh. Why? This world is harsh, dark, and dirty, brightened up by the few people who always have a cheerful smile on their faces. What it needs is a little more laughter! That can brighten up pretty much any (or most) situation!
Unfortunately, I've never been great with jokes. My brother and I crack lame jokes a lot for entertainment, with a whole bunch of nonsense thrown in. I suspect that we both got this trait from our nonsensical father (relax, I mean that in a good way :3). I think I can only manage to make up a good joke from time to time. However, that simply wasn't enough for me. So what I did was something that was way more easier: acting the idiot. By not using common sense, I got everyone into fits as they laughed. Somehow, though, I wasn't really acting. It came naturally to me and I seem to find it a little hard to actually stop and think nowadays...which I suppose is bad. Anyway, as time went on, I found out the hard way that the "act the idiot" method could easily backfire. I usually didn't mind them laughing at me, instead of with me, most of the time unless it went too far. Of course, that was to be expected. No, it was the name-calling that annoyed me. Yes, I know it was also to be expected when someone decides to be an idiot but since I got used to being, well, not stupid exactly, but a little dumb, I had somehow dismissed the thought. However, I usually put up with name-calling and respond with a grin at my friends. Of course, sometimes, I'd retaliate with a sarcastic retort and stomp off or something but hey, I'm not perfect. This brings me to my next question.
If I don't mind my Shard friends' teasing much, why am I heavily affected by the mean teasing of (most of) my Abric classmates?
This had me puzzled for a while. While I wanted to bucking punch all those Abric jerks' teeth out, it made me wonder why I was so mad at them in the first place. If I could stand my Shard friends' teasing, why not the Abrics'? There has to be a reason for this.
That was when it hit me. The Abrics never seemed to laugh at my antics at all. They called me plenty of oh-so-freaking-delightful names instead and told me to shut the buck up on a regular basis (without the "buck", of course. Unless it's one of the guys who don't mind swearing). They tell me not to hug, not to sing, not to ask questions (I mean, seriously, what the fuck? ...Excuse me for my language. I honestly wanted to say that). All in all, they did not find me humourous in any way. They were bucking teasing me for being who I am. My Shard friends tease me for my stupidity and I can (somewhat) put up with that. However, the Abrics tease - no, verbally abuse (haha, yes, I consider their bucking 'teasing' as verbal abuse) for every single bucking thing I do. Of course, what else can I say but, "What the buck?"
The other day, when I met up with Eye, Jar City, M&M, Shuffles, Honeybee, and Ms Drill at Pizza Hut (nothing special, just wanted to see each other again), I was a bit quiet at the beginning of the outing (with Honeybee and M&M at the MRT station) since I am usually quiet at Abric nowadays. However, I slowly eased back to my old, dumb (or 'blur', which would be a more fitting Singaporean - or Singlish - term), annoying self. Pretty soon, everyone was nearly choking from laughter. I'm serious, it felt so different from Abric and I never wanted the laughter (or the outing) to stop, ever.
If I didn't like my father calling me normal, why do I hate it when my schoolmates call me weird-related names?
Well, this one was easy. I like being weird. It's who I am and being weird essentially makes you special. That is what I believe. That is why I don't mind people calling me weird sometimes. What I don't like is when people call me weird in a way that suggests that they do not like me being weird. That they think I should act another way. That they simply fucking hate my personality.
If they want me to change, they can fucking piss off. I am not changing for anyone. If I change, it's my decision. They have no bucking right to tell me how I should act...unless of course, I'm the one who's being a bucking moron that just crossed the line between what's acceptable and what's unacceptable. Can't blame them if it's my fault. However, if they tell me not to do this, not to do that, all the bucking time, then they can piss off.
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You know, even though I hate the Abric jerks right now, I know that I can't stay mad at them forever. I always keep quiet when they throw all their bullshit (again, excuse me for the language) at me, which I know I shouldn't do because it's as though I'm allowing them to step all over my head but I'm always afraid that they have some 'good reason' or at least, a decent comeback to throw at me if I retaliated so I just keep quiet. Even if they won't apologise or are basically clueless that their words even affect me, I'll probably still be Ms Nice As Mice to people in the grey area, like L.F or Jasmine. They haven't really done anything but seriously, they're both aware of the fact that I'm often alone and both 'apologise' but they don't do a single fucking (once again, excuse me. I seem to have quite the mouth these days) thing about it! What is the word "sorry" supposed to do? Peel itself out of a piece of paper and accompany me? Am I that bucking hard a person to be with?!
I'm sorry, I'm going off-track again. I suppose I just don't stay angry for long because my idiotic conscience always forces me to think. If I act disagreeably in return, I'll be just as bad as the Abrics are. Besides, if I keep frowning, who's going to bring cheer to others?
Welp, my conscience has been too late this time...I've changed a lot at school. I'm more quiet, reserved, moody, and maybe a little grumpy. Also, there's been a considerable lack of singing, compared to the amount I used to do back at Shard. I'd say that this is an improvement but of course, the Abric jerks are such fucking idiots, they don't fucking notice, they still tell me what to do, they think I'm fucking irritating when I've cut down on that side of me so much since Shard!
Argh! I can't keep writing about my school life (actually, I was going to discuss about weirdness but somehow, Abric got tangled up in this. Fucking jerks) if I keep swearing like this! I've hated swearing all my life and I still do, yet I find myself constantly doing it nowadays. I hate that I'm swearing for such idiotic, childish matters too!
I am such an idiot. I can't even figure out what I want. At this rate, I'm simply ranting mindlessly like a total moron. I'm a damn human, after all.
I do apologise for the language used in this entry. I simply can't say this kind of stuff to my parents or anyone I know, really.
Thanks so much for reading. :3
"Life is full of bullshit so get over it." ~ The Truth |
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