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13th July 2017, 4.26 PM.
Warning for strong language.
For such an avid reader, I'm not particularly good with words.
Of course, I admit I can write. Writing requires words, after all, and lots of it. When it comes to talking, however, especially when it matters, I find myself at a loss of them. Perhaps it is not a matter of not knowing words - most likely, it is about knowing the right words to say at the right time. Being an idiot, I find myself incapable of doing such a thing.
I miss the days when I used to love myself. I read enough books to know how unhealthy it was to hate yourself and I always believed that no matter what, I would love myself since that was obviously a good thing and hating myself was stupid. But hey, I'm an idiot and guess what idiots are known to do?
It's odd, really. Sometimes, I'd browse through my old Journals and some of the stuff made me question if I ever really did like myself back then. The very first notebook that I had (as far as I can remember) was in Primary 1, when I was just a tiny 7-year-old. On the very first page, I was already writing about how I was trying to change myself. Given how it's been 9 years and I'm still the same, I don't think it worked out.
I'm not sure if what I feel is real anymore. It feels like there are two entities in my head, except they're both me, so I can't really call them "voices in my head". I'm already feeling like I'm forming a shitty excuse for my bullshit, but I want to get it straight. It's like. Say I'm talking to a person, and the person is nice, we're having a good conversation, all is swell. Then, just as I'm feeling good, this voice in my head starts insulting the person. And I try to squash it, and drown it out, but what's been thought has been thought. I can't just say that, "Oh, it wasn't me - my brain was just being an idiot." because it is me and that just sounds like a shit excuse for being a shit person. It happens all the time - when I'm being comforted, or when I'm just having a casual, nice conversation, this other part of me just wants to pick apart the person's flaws, wants to insult the person for no damn reason, and what is up with that? What is up with me? Can't I stop being a douchebag for one second?
It's not just that. When I'm trying to do something good, I can't feel good, because the fact that I'm self-aware that I'm 'doing something good' is bad in itself because that means somewhere in my brain, I've got an ulterior motive. So I helped a blind person. "Who the fuck cares, you did that just to gratify your desire to 'be good'. You're not a good person. You're just pretending to be one so that people will fucking think you're great, won't you, you piece of shit attention seeker." And the thing is. I know that it's not true because I cannot deny the feeling that I genuinely want to help someone. But the voice is still there, and since the voice doesn't sound like anyone's except mine, it has to be me speaking, and it has to be true because why would I lie to myself about this? I was comforting a friend, recently, and all the while I was thinking about what a fucking actor I was because why would I care? I'm a shitty human so why the hell would I possess empathy, I'm a selfish piece of shit liar looking to gratify my own desires.
All of these contradicting thoughts make me question if any of my feelings are really genuine, if all the things I've done were done with the intentions I thought I had. And every time I do so, I'm convinced that I'm making drama out of nothing because hey, I'm a dumb attention-seeker, aren't I.
I don't like talking about this. I thought typing it out would make me understand or clarify something, but I'm still confused. In the end, it's just me making a fuss out of nothing. Again. So much for being a rainbow in darkness. Hardy har.
I hate feeling this way.
Thanks for reading. You just wasted your time, though. My bad.
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