Bizarre

01/04/2009

Ok so basically bullshit with my heart lately has consisted with a circle of people and this is how it goes:

Nicole dated Adam way back like 4 years ago and not for a very long time...he didn't want to make it official!
through adam nicole met dan, which is adams good friend (they are in a band together now)
nicole is my best friend and she does all the meeting people
So i obviously met adam eventually nicole started hanging out with dan alot so i also met him.
over the few years we've known these boys dan and nicole chilled alot (mainly cause nicoles a virgin and dan has a soft spot for virgins so he's fizated on her)even though she is a bitch and a half to him he was blinded by her and would do anything to get with her but is to chicken to ever make a move.
Because of him being a chicken shit he never got what HE wanted...basically all hes got is her leading him on always to think that she wants to be with him in the end (mostly spooning sessions cause they chill and watch alot of movies together!)
But she always turns it around WE ARE JUST FRIENDS hes my best friend it couldn't happen like that he's had his chance blah blah blah...

now the thing about dan is HE DOESN"T DESERVE HER BULLSHIT
he's an AWSOME guy not top notch in looks but hey personality can totally win a guy over in my eyes!!! He works, has a vehicle, smokes alot of weed ( but of my friends who doesn't), was an ex druggie so he only sticks to 1 thing (coke) gotta put the couple of negatives you know negatives that aren't that big a deal he has money to support his habits, he has only been in long relationships with girls and waited a year before he could have sex with his last gf (WILL POWER)
he's a really nice guy chilled out doesnt ask for much cool to hang out with metal head but soft heart basically the boyfriend i would want!!!

so over the past year me and dan also got closer since he always chilled with nicole and i always chilled with nicole lol i was his ears when he felt like bitching about how shitty nicole treats him and he doesnt understand and blah blah blah everything i new she was doing wrong so i told him DAN stop being an idiot youre a great guy IN A BAND who can get girls no problem if he tried and you stick around for her shit FOR WHAT???
i always would tell him he has to move on to something better (mainly wanted him to choose me instead) because all i ever was to dan was nice we got along i didnt understand why a guy would rather deal with a total bitch who leads him on for years rather than her friend who is nice has a lil more in common with you can chill isnt a big fuckin bitch 24/6 and flirts with you all the fuckin time.
yah i flirted with him all the time to make him realise maybe nicole isn't worth it!!! but he never saw it or he acted like he never saw it!

do you think he listened to me??? not for a while but than he broke

adam was the hottie the bad boy was considered the player but it was always lies going around about him gossip between dumb girls nobody ever new the full truth but who cares hes sexy lead singer in a hardcore metal band(such a sexy screamer mmmm makes me when i hear him scream) he played hard to get to he didnt like nicole after they stopped dealing because shes just a bitch so whenever i would go to shows "to see dan with nicole" i would innocently flirt with adam it was fun bugging him all the time

so this past summer nicole claimed to be fooling around with adam again i new dan wouldn't like that and i needed him to get the fuck over nicole cause i was sick of him bitchin and complaining about her!!!
at nicoles birthday lunch/waterfight me and dan went off to go blaze a joint dan than adam called (adam wasnt at her birthday and didnt call saying he wasnt coming and she claims to be dealing with him again???)
so dan says "we are gonna go pick up adam and lilly and drive them to work" :O adam with lilly oh wow awkward lmao
"oh so thats why adam didnt call "
"what do you mean?" and so i explained to him "don't you know they are like dealing again?, well they have been lately" so he clearly didnt and he was sooo fuckn pissed and was going to say something to adam but i begged him not to not in front of me at least i dont want to be the bad guy in the middle of it all!!
So he held it back drove them to work and than we talked when we got to nicoles we sat on the drive way talkin and talkin dan was really hurt and it hurt me to see him like that he was going on about all the things he does for her how he made her something for her birthday blah blah blah all the wonderful things that i wish he did to me instead so i started to get a lil teary eyed and said "DAN i know trust me i tell nicole all the time why the fuck dont you go for him hes an amazing guy!!!"
"i see what you do dan and i wish someone would do those things for me"
so yah anywho that shit all went on and than from that day me and dan started to get a bit closer one hot summer day me nicole and a few friends went to the beach and did mdma than dan and his friend showed up (dan wasnt gonna come but i txt convinced him to come)
we were all really high at that point(not nicole i think she did k instead)
it was an awsome day me and dan really hit it off (it helped that nicole had her most recent boy toy along)
he even sat there for quite a while playing bongos on my butt(i was wearing a thong bikini)
it was funny and when he was leaving i kinda ran off to say bye to him and we talked and said that we would chill sometime soon and have a nice lil cuddle session
i was extatic so excited

So we did end up having that chill session we chilled the whole day walked maggie went to the store to buy blunts watched discovery channel for hours until it started to get dark eventually we spooned in my bed, it felt nice different than the usual just fuck that i probably just did a couple days ago
(dax my ex boything had called a few times and even stopped by once)
dan wasnt making any moves so eventually i did we ended up making out and he just fuckin loved it couldn't get enough of it just wouldn't let me stop (only if he was running out of air) it was fun, eventually stupid slutty me i gave him head but he didnt let me finish him lol he told me to stop i say stupid me because i shouldnt have been that forward with him considering hes not the type to just have fun and i think thats what i might have been there for!!
he didnt even bother leaving early and catching the last bus home no he stayed and paid for a 30$ cab to get home instead so he could spend more time
i thught that was cute, basically right after he left dax came back we chilled and well did what we always do, had sex yup thats when i realised i must have only been having fun with dan that night!!!
i kind of felt bad but as long as dan didnt know it was ok, its not like dan is actually gonna wanna date me.
i didnt see dan for a few days but we did talk and we were planning on going to brandons cottage so we would see each other there, dan had asked me if i was just having fun the other night from this txt convo i kinda had a hint he wanted to make this serious or try to at least.
But im the type if i have unfinished business i need to finish it (when he got home the night he txt me saying he could barely walk cause of blue balls(his fault i know))
so i had unfinished business so at the cottage i wanted to finished the business
we eneded up hooking up in my tent at the cottage while nicole was in the cottage( she could not know of any of this)
it was amazing and than we spooned and slept! it felt nice
the whole car ride home i sat in the middle and dan curresed my back and or leg the whole time i kind of just put my head between my legs cause i new nicole didnt like what was going on but she needed to see that it wasnt me doing anything so she couldnt be mad at me!!!
anyways long fuckin story short dan wanted it to try and go somewhere with it but i was just clearly not on the same page considering i had sex the night before i came to the cottage with me ex who has a gf yah so i needed to inform dan that i was leading him on clearly and that this couldn't continue i ended up telling him on msn ( i know horrible but i didnt have the balls to do it any where else!) it was horrible i felt so bad i cried and i got emo(worked on my star scar with and exacto knife, not to deep just enough to open the skin and scab)
and it wouldnt work come on now nicole was already getting pissed and saying shit like well i can see dan has found a new replacement for me and that kinda just made me feel like shit about the whole situation.
so thats me and dan
now back in november me and adam started talking at one of the shows so than we really started talking planned on going to santa claus parade together(CUTE!!!! ahhh its a date) plans got fucked cause of the weather!
we hooked up and i had to tell nicole cause i new me and adam it was just hooking up we both had a thing for each other at this point, we had hooked up at one of his practises than i slept over that night and we really hooked up(i wanted to wait with him) but when we were lying together and making out and touching each toher all over for an hour and a half i just wanted to have him inside me!!!
it was awsome it felt right it felt good(sex with someone you like is completely different WOW)
he kept asking me if it was the k but i told him that wore off hours ago and that i was probably more sober than him he told me he liked me and in the morning at 5 am when i needed to take a cab home to get to work (NO SLEEP due to too much touching) he didnt want me to leave didnt know what he was going to do with his day so on and so forth.
for like 3 weeks i spent alot of time with him he wanted to spend time with me i was willing to travel i already chill with his friends listen to his band and party with him sometimes so it wasnt anything new just did it more often
NICOLE HATED IT didnt talk to me for 2 of those 3 weeks
he even bought me a talking stuffed xmas pepe le pioux(sp?) the crazy skunk on bugs bunny
so cute for nothing just to have and it was a hallmark one to and he has no money but still he went and got the best
i told me he liked me we told each other that we havent felt this way since our first and only serious relationships i thought it was gonna go somewhere i was liking this i had told the few boys that i usually fool around with that it couldnt happen cause i was SEEING someone than one day of those 3 weeks he didnt call me at all! it was wierd i had talked to him probably everyday of those 3 weeks, and that night was the night i went out with nicole to drum circle she was talkin shit bout adam i told her that i didnt wanna hear bad things bout him since i was seeing him she said well dan is friends with adam and dan is friedns with him so he sees what goes on and he tells me, "well nicole if its something i really need to know than obviously dont beat around the bush" "oh yah adam does alot bush beating" i was like totally what the fuck especially since the mdma was kicking in.
i didnt want to jump to conclusions cause i know how nicole can twist shit around so i called dan found out the real truth...
he was hanging out with some 16 year old girl basically (do i really need to worry bout that)
dan told me not to worry that adam really likes me and to work on this that this is gonna be good for both me and adam cause we are like the same person!
so i left it when i talked to adam about it he twisted the story around, so now i new he was lying he didnt know i new hahaha im good so i kept it to myself and waited on it things started to kind of go down hill from that we didnt talk on the phone much mostly msn here and there he would flop on me when he said he would come over seemed like all of a sudden he was just to busy with school the band and his fucked up family shit i was fine with him being busy but than after not seeing him for a week and a half barely talking to him and hearing lies i felt like it was something else.
i didnt end up talking to him or being able to reach him AT ALL for like 3 days than when he finally called he was too busy partying school work and the band to call at all.
(why couldn't he invite me to the parties? he knows i like to party)
so i kind of acted pissed but than eventually was fine he had a show on wednesday so i would see him there this is going to be 2 weeks i didnt see him
im sorry im the type if im seeing someone i need to see them a lil more often i need that physical aspect in order to stick around
so this was going to be the test i told him yah so call me sometime soon
so he didnt call me tuesday, Fine it was his last day of school he had a show the next day so he was probably busy thats fine
so i wanted to see if he called me wednesday to you see if i was coming still make sure i was gonna get there ok(usually stuff a guy who likes you would do)
well he didnt so i didnt call him i headed to the show i had mixed myself a few shots to down right before the show so i could be a lil typsy and say what i had to say to him!
when i got there he wasnt there but chris was(his usual ride) so i went and chilled with dan
when adam got there he came in with another girl...???...??? oh thats nice
so i went over and said hi gave him a hug looked at him he acted a lil awkward didnt introduce his new girl friend (see the space friend thats a girl)
the night went on with awkwardness happiness and well more awkwardness the girl he was with was the 16 year old she was left alone most of the night i kind of felt bad hes an idiot like that he'll bring someone and than just totally leave them
i tried to talk to him once alone but he pulled away and than i finally did it after his band went up we talked and it was good i told him he just needed to be straight with me so me and adam ended there...
the next day while i was skiing dan txt me saying adam wasnt being very nice to you last night
i told him yah but whatever i broke it off with him so its all good he than proceeded to tell me makes me wonder what was wrong with me i would have treated you like gold blah blah blah like come on what the fuck i just ended it with adam LAST NIGHT!!!
me adam and joe(one of there friends) ended up chilling one night and "partied" aka coke at adams it was cool chills not wierd at all than when it was leaving time i was gonna stay cause i wasnt about to get dan to drive me 15 minutes in a snow storm home know what i mean i dont like making people go out of there way for me so i figured both me and adam will probably be staying up all night ill just catch a bus in the morning.
i didnt like staying either cause i felt like nicole when she used to bunbard on adams nights like this(but she lives 2 seconds away) i kind of got that vibe that he didnt really want me to stay but who knows!!!
so i kept to myself the whole time we sat on the couch with enough space between the 2 of us watched a zombie movie did more whites and chit chatted it was nice it was cool.
than when the movie was over he needed to pee but so did i so he went and as he was coming back i left but he bumped into me and started to poke me and joke around(like we used to)
i new he was totally flirting he was the one who said he doesnt just fool around
so i was gonna test him totally i kept to myself the whole night i could continue but when i sat next to him he started to poke and play with me than he put his head on my chest and cuddled with me next he proceeded to eventually kiss me HE INITIATED EVERYTHING, than he asked if i wanted to go up into his room i said yes only because his fuckin couch eats us lol
so we went at it (no sex i was on my period)
so there was that evening

now when i was high on e and coke on new years sitting in nicoles bed talkin bout boys she told me that dan told her that adam told him the reason why he didnt want to be with me was because im TOO SEXUAL wtf he initiates things and cant keep his hands off me so im the one whos TOO SEXUAL honestly guys drive me crazy but this hasnt been the first guy i like who says im too sexual so that was when i decided to make my new years resolution of stop being so sexual so easy so willing play hard to get and only do things with a guy im actually into!!!

so nicoel dated adam
dan is adams best friend
dan wants nicole for how long now
i want to fuck adam
i want to date dan
in the end this is all very bad

and the funny thing is dan still tries to get with me but at the same time as trying to get with nicole me and nicole tell each other everything so we know what dan says to each other to try and get his chance with us.
god life is a lil over whelming sometimes