So Lost...
I've spent a lot of time pondering this entry. I don't even know where to begin, really. I'm so lost myself, I don't know that I can even begin to explain.
Since my last entry, I've not seen Master. He left that day for work, and never did come home. I've talked to him a few times...Two days ago, he said he had gotten himself an apartment. I really thought he was just going through a phase in his not coming home, but, apparently it's a lot more then that. An apartment. He still says he cares for me, but...God, I don't know. He's upset that I don't go and play poker with him, that I can't go out mudding in he Jeep with him...Trust, if I could, I would. But poker rooms simply aren't kid friendly places, and I don't feel that mudding is safe enough to take little kids. I love going mudding - I'm a country girl at heart. But I can't.
I don't know what to think, what to say, what to feel even. I'm so entirely lost, so gutted over all of this. I know that I'll come through it - God knows I've gotten through a lot worse events in my life then a breakup, but damn...I don't want to. I want to go back in time to last week when things in life were in place.
I miss him...I miss him so bad it's physically painful. My heart truely does ACHE over what we've lost. And add to that, I've now been thrust into the role of being the decision maker. There's truely a reason why our lifestyle fit so well - I'm not good with decisions. I second guess everything. Master doesn't. Master is firm, decisive - he's my complete opposite.
I think I am going to put previous entries on private...Give myself a bit of a fresh start. I am truely no longer a kajira, either, so I guess that needs changed as well. It's been such a significant peice in my self identity, I..God, I don't know. I'm such a stumbling mess.
I love him. I just want him to come home.
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im so sorry. but he knew u would prolly not be able to do a lot b.c u have kids. if u had a constant sitter then u could.
I hope it works out for you guys. A submissive without her Master, is a submissive without her heart.
I'm sorry. I really hope it works out for you both. Hopefully it is just a phase.
i've been through a divorce, and if you knew me then - you'd know all the pain and heartache i went through, and with that i want you to know that i feel your pain. and i'm sorry. a part of you already knows that you can overcome this, but you should give yourself more credit - a mother is always made strong, and from what i have read in your past entries, not only are you that but you are a smart woman - you just need to be more assertive. just like you said, give yourself a new start - things can only get better. promise!
i hope things get better. *hugs* have you guys tried talking? try telling him that the reason you can't go mudding and such is cause it's not kid friendly and you need to think about and put the kids first.