Irritation that slowly turns into furiousity.

03/26/2011

I'm very unhappy today diary.

I'm a very very very irritated, bitchy, not nice person.

I have no idea why, except that every time my phone rings, it pisses me off. Except Nic.

Nic can text me all he wants, because he's Nic.

Anyway Diary,

This mood, is brought upon, by stupidity. Stupid people piss me off. Stupid people that ask me questions and try to control everything I do, and what I say, and who I talk to. People that get jealous over my phone. People that don't understand that I am busy when I say I am busy. People that are dicks to me because I didn't wanna fucking call them. People that are just being assholes lately. Everything has changed with him, and I can't handle that. He's different, he's more douchebag, less nice boy I knew. Well fuck you. Change back. Be different again. Or it's done.

I'll walk away from you quicker than shit, if you don't change back right now. You can't treat me like that, like I'm just something you can do what you want with. You can't order me to come to your house, and then tell me I have to promise something when I don't even know what the promise is. What the fuck is that shit? Hmmm...

Yep no answer... whatever.

"Everything you say to me, takes me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break. I need a little room to breathe cuz I'm one step closer to the edge, I'm about to break."- Linkin Park

I'm not just some bitch you can order around. I'm too headstrong, stubborn, gorgeous, and I deserve better than that. Ask me to do shit, don't tell me I'm going to. If I wanted that I'd move back in with my parents. I don't need that. I left that world to be my own person, and that's who I am... Don't like it? Too fucking bad.

That's the stubborn part of me, the part that needs no help... I'm stubborn and bullheaded, headstrong and beautiful. I don't need someone to tell me how to live my life, who to hang out with, or when to call my boyfriend. Step back...

I am not and will never be someone you can just be like "Call me..." to... Fuck you if you think that. I'm not some housewifey bitch, I'm not just a puppet, and I will not bow down.... I don't wanna control you, don't try to control me. It's not fair.

"You try to take the best of me, go away."- Linkin Park.

"Look how pretty she is, when she falls down. There's no beauty in bleeding mascara, lips are quivering, like a withering rose. She's back again. What the fuck do you think love is?"- Atreyu

That's me. Bleeding mascara. Poor broken girl, lost in a world of nothingness.

"You took me home, I drank too much, cuz of you my liver turned to dust. Do you understand what I mean? When you feel your soul drop to the floor, like a whore, like an open bleeding sore, then you'll have bled like I've bled."- Atreyu

I know you've been through alot more than I have, but don't scale my problems down with yours. It isn't fair. I'm inches away from death anymore, and you're gonna push away my hurt and tears with "you don't know what I've been through." Well... at this point dear, since I'm dying... I don't give a fuck. You don't know what I've been through.

But I'm complicated, broken, scarred, lost and alone. I'd rather be alone, than feel controlled and smothered, choking on someone's presence. That's what you're doing, you're completely and totally suffocating me. I'm not used to it.

"I'm sorry, for the demon I've become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, I don't regret one single word I said. Just walk away. Make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, please release me from this hell. Just walk away, there's just nothing left to feel, just walk away, pretend that none of this is real."- Five Finger Death Punch

I'm sorry for being this way, this cold numb person, but I can't help it. When you know what I know, and have been through my life, let me know that you understand. Because you won't, until you try. You don't understand anything. Not about me, not about my friends, not about why I'm so cold and distant. Nothing.

I've been torn apart, and I'm still bleeding. Give me space and time, back off and let me heal. You aren't making me better, you're making me much worse. That's just my side of it.

"The lying, the bleeding, the screaming was tearing me apart, the hatred, disaster, it's over. As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me. You're the darkest burning star, and my perfect disease."- Five Finger Death Punch

Right right. I gave those lyrics to someone once. He stole my heart and smashed it to pieces. Sorry I'm still bleeding over him. Don't know how to fix it. Not my fault. I'd rather bleed and hurt than be completely numb and unfeeling.

That's all. I'm done bitching I suppose.

<3
TorturedJuliet