Nightmare... Twisted Darkness

03/25/2011

Worst nightmare of my life diary...

"Feeling like this could only mean I'm sinking. Every time I see your clothes scattered on the floor, I thought you would be home, said you never would be gone. Every time I see the light not on the porch, I thought you would be home, said you never would be gone. But you are."- Chris Daughtry

"You were the first to say, that we were not okay. You were the first to lie, when we were not alright. This was my first love. She was the first to go, and when she left me for you, I was the last to know. Why didn't she tell me where to go tonight? She didn't say a word, she just walked away. I'll be the first to say, I'm okay. For the the first time, I've opened up my eyes. This was my worst love, you'll be the first to go. And when she leaves you for dead, you'll be the last to know."- Three days grace

"So many things were left unsaid. It's hard to let you go. I know what it takes to move on, I know what how it feels to lie. All I wanna do is trade this life for something new. Holding on to what I haven't got. Sitting in an empty room, Trying to forget the past. This was never meant to last. I wish it wasn't so."- Linkin Park

"Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight? Don't you wanna stay here a little while? We could make forever feel this way? Don't you wanna stay? Let's take it slow I don't wanna move too fast, I don't wanna just make love, I wanna make love last. Don't you wanna stay here a little while?"- Jason Aldean

"I will give you everything to say you"ll stay, you'll want me too. Say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me. I wanna know I belong to you. Say you'll haunt me."- Stone Sour

No one dies...
No one bleeds....
No one fights....
No violence or scary factor at all....

I'm laying in a room I shouldn't be in. With someone I shouldn't be lying with. The feelings, the pounding heart, the comfort... It's all too familiar. The smiles, the laughter, the music, everything I've known for over 9 months. It's all back to me. He's holding me and playing with my hair.
He whispers in my ear that he'll love me forever, and I'll always be his. Feeling safe, I let myself back into that life, again the perfect one that he always wanted. Not the bitch that left him. He loves me again, and all is normal. Laying with him for hours, just talking about everything.
He kisses me and then kisses my hair, and I snuggle down into his chest, just like I used to.
Holding him close, I know I shouldn't be there, amidst the comfort, and the pain comes ripping back to me. Everything is falling now, away from me. He slips, his eyes turn black, he falls from me, he dies, in my arms. I am floating, then, suspended in a vast nothingness, of the loss of him again, and I wake up, tears in my eyes, gasping for breath.

Waking up from dreams like that messes with me, because I fell back asleep chasing those feelings, wanting that nightmare back. This bothers me, because I don't know how to feel. I'm comfortably numb now. I hate dreaming of Paul. It breaks me more than most know.

" Must have stabbed him 50 fucking times. I can't believe it. Eyes over easy. Eat it. eat it. eat it. Now that it's done I realize the error of my ways. I must venture back to apologize from somewhere far beyond the grave. I gotta make up for what I've done. 'Cause I was all up in a piece of heaven while you burned in hell, no peace forever. I really always knew that my little crime, would be cold, that's why I got a heater for your thighs, and I know, it's not your time. but bye bye. and a word to the wise when the fire dies, you think it's over but it's just begun. But baby don't cry, you had my heart, at least for the most part, cuz everybody's gotta die sometime. We fell apart, let's make a new start, cuz everybody's gotta die sometime. But baby don't cry."- Avenged Sevenfold

"We'll live forever, live forever, Let's have a wedding, have a wedding. Start the killing, start the killing. Do you take this man, in death for the rest of your unnatural life? I do."- Avenged Sevenfold

That's exactly how I feel. Watching him turn into a decaying corpse, and dying in my arms, visions coming from my own head... does this mean I'm fucked up? Does my subconscious want me to get him out of my head, or is it just messing with me?

I hate this feeling. I hate not being able to control it. I hate everything about it, and I hate my ups and downs. God save me, today is gonna be the worst day. I get to walk around with this nightmare floating around in my head, thinking about it all day. Fuck my life.

Not fair. Why can't I just sleep one night, without dreaming? I just want one night of complete, uninterrrupted, beautiful dark sleep.

"Dear God, the only thing I ask of you, is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away."- Avenged Sevenfold.

Haha. Haha. Haha. The song Paul gave me, reminds me of Greg. Epic. Don't know if you can recycle those or not, but it's kinda ironic. I woke up, scared and reaching out for him. He's all I wanted to tell me that everything was going to be okay. Fucked up shit man.

Homework today... 2 papers. Yay. That I'm probably not going to be able to focus on for the death of me.

"I'm not insane. I'm not insane. I'm not insane, I'm not not insane. Come back to me, it's almost easy. Come back again it's almost easy. Shame forces through my heart, for the things I've done to you. It's all good face, but the fact remains that this is nothing new. I left you down inside, with suicidal memories. Deep inside, I'm not insane. Come back to me it's almost easy."- Avenged Sevenfold

I left him alone, to deal with all of his pain that night. Left him in a world of cold darkness, I was torn apart sure, but he was worse. I'm surprised he's fought it off this long, it kills me, I wonder what it's doing to him and I feel guilty. How do I stop this?