Suffocating in the memories | 03/19/2011 |
"To be yourself is all that you could do."- Audioslave.
"You don't know how desperate I've become, it looks like I'm losing this fight. But it's my heart that's breaking down this long dusty road of mine, and I ain't missing you at all."- Tyler Hilton
"It's almost like you had it planned. It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said "Hey I'm about to screw you over big time." What was I supposed to do? I was stuck between you and a hard place. I don't blame you anymore, that's too much pain to store, it left me half dead inside my head. Boy, looking back I see I'm not the girl I used to be when I lost my mind. It saved my life. It's how you wanted it to be, It's like you played a joke on me, and I lost a friend. In the end. I think that I cried for days, but now that seems light years away and I'm never going back to who I was. I don't blame you anymore."- Mozella
"I wear a halo when you look at me, but standing from here, you wouldn't say so if you were me. I just wanna love you. I always said that I would make mistakes, I'm only human and that's my saving grace. I'll fall as hard as I try, so don't be blinded. See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes, I even say. So pull me from that pedastal. I don't belong there."- Bethany Joy Lenz
"I gave up coffee and cigarettes. I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet. I thought my problems would just dissipate, and all my pain would be in yesterday. But it's true, I'm still blue. But I finally know what to do. I must quit you."- Michelle Featherstone
"Do you ever get homesick? I can't get used to it. I'll never get used to it. Could I have saved you? Would that have betrayed you? I wanna burn this film. You alone with those pills. What you couldn't do I will. I forgive you."- Strays Don't Sleep
This cd "Friends with Benefit" breaks my heart so completely. I turn it on and it takes me back. Takes me to everything I never want to be again. Ever.
Back to basics here, I'm falling apart inside my head. Everything is tumbling around and I can't think straight. I have 2 papers to write, and I can't concentrate at all. Thoughts of everything keep running across my mind. I'm sick of thinking about this.
I just want everything to go away. All those lyrics up there at the top of this page, are for me. Meant for me. Because I won't tell them I miss them, either of them,even though I miss them both like absolute insanity. Thanks to Corey for addicting me to his presence. He's gone now, and there's this big empty space, where he used to be. When that space was there, I was okay. Not perfect but alright. I'm falling apart again, now that he's gone. He replaced Paul's empty space, and everything was okay, I could breathe. But now Corey's empty space is there. I'm trying so hard to let Greg replace the Corey empty space, but every time I get close to almost letting him, my phone rings, and the empty space comes back. I can't fill it with anger or hatred because I can't and won't ever hate Corey Aaron Sanger.
" You left my side tonight, I just don't feel right. I can't let you out of sight. Without you, I'm no one. I'm nothing at all."- Three Days Grace
Sir Sanger was a good majority part of me not killing myself after Paul. I was insane, and he fixed it. Sure he shoved a bottle in my hand, but it worked miracles. I'd rather be drunk than feel this pain. I just need something to take it away. Sir Sanger, if you only knew the monster you created when you left me alone. I could make your whole world a living hell, but I won't because I care about you too much for that. If I was still a vindictive little bitch, I would. But I can't ever hurt you. It seems impossible.
"So long, I have erased you. So long, I've wanted to waste you. I have escaped the bitter taste of you."- Three Days Grace.
I only wish I could say that. If I could, the world would be a much brighter place for me. Instead of a cold, dark, hollow existence, it might be bright and colorful... maybe.
On one hand I hope he comes back to me, I need the other half of our team. On the other hand, I wish he would just stay away. He's like the heroin.... He's a constant battle with myself. He's the high I need, at the worst moments, but he's so bad for me. He can completely break me down with a word, and you bet your ass he knows he can. Just like Paul.
Oh God, Paul. I don't know what to do about him either. I'd love to talk to him and just be like I'm sorry... but I can't and I won't. I just wanna wrap my arms around him and then punch him in the face. Talk about bipolar disorder. I love him, and I hate hiim. He makes me run away from everything I know, because he's so familiar. But that's to be expected. You can't go through 9 months of familiarity and not wish everything could just go back to the way it was. I don't wanna be broken anymore, or wish I was dead, or want medication because I'm scared I'm gonna die. I'm extremely suicidal at times, and I don't know how to make it go away. I just want everything to end, but I want to still be alive.
<3
TorturedJuliet |
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