They say hindsight is 20/20... what they actually meant was that the lies we tell... the small ones.. when you look back... the truth is what shows the most.
This fucks me up. So much.... twists and turns my fucking insides.... Story of my life... act now... feel later... too bad I buried 3 years.... and now... it just keeps bubbling back up to the surface. I sit up, because I can't sleep. I can't lay and listen to Jason snore... it makes me jealous. So I stay awake... because I don't want to dream. I don't want to see his face. Hear his voice. I don't want to live those memories... it's all twisted anyway... it's like living it in fast forward with some parts slowed down... every night... I wake up and I hate everything. I can't understand why I can't let him go. I try and try and nothing ever works. He's in my head, in my dreams and my nightmares.... I can't make him go away. I can't make the memories die. I can't just forget. I have no idea where to start. I don't want him back... I just can't make the dreams go away and it's making me crazy. We always said we'd haunt each other forever. That's how it was. "I'm gonna make you never forget me." that was his line. living in all of his lies.... little did we know... he was telling the truth. He's like a disease. I just think I'm alright and bam there's something. Yeah we went through alot.... young marriage... cheating....abuse.... dude... I think I'll always love him, even though I know I should fucking hate him and it makes me sick.
****----------------->>>>>>>>> Update since my last entry... bad horrible mean divorce... new fiance.... so... i totally feel terrible and guilty about draming about my ex husband every night.... |
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