Meh
I think I really need to sit down and write. I don't claim that anything in this will make any sense. The fact is that I'm losing control of my thoughts and feelings. I'm bound to say things that are going to hurt people and I keep from writing because I don't want to hurt them. I also don't want them to think that any of this is in anyway their fault.
I've been divorced for over a year now. I wasn't a good wife, he deserved someone better. I wasn't faithful. I started to have a sex with a friend of mine. I never knew that it would go so far that I would want a full blown relationship. But that is what ended up happening. Now I was already not happy in my marriage and we fought all the time over the phone. So this other relationship didn't end my marriage, though people think it did. I also thought that this budding relationship would make it, how big of a fool was I. Not long after we started our affair he pretty much told me that he didn't think that it would work out. Now mind you he was only a couple of weeks earlier telling me that he wanted to marry me as soon as I had the divorce. I like the stupid full totally believed him, of course I was also madly in love with him. With that relationship ended and me also going through with this divorce I was left broken and lonely. I got the hell out of the state I was living in and moved across the country and into my best friends house. I love her so much for letting me move in and be a burden on her and her husband. I've been here ever since. Of course its had its rough moments, and then there are the awesome times. There is also a lot of tension in the house because of the resentment that I feel her husband has toward me. See it gets so complicated, but I also know that my best friend is in love with me. We have talked about it and she knows how I feel about it. She means the world to me but it will not be anything more than friends. Now I might not want anything more than friends but I also don't want to hurt her. She has been listening to me moan and groan about all of my heart breaks. Of course now I'm starting to fall for someone. I've been trying not to, for fear of a couple of different reasons. One is that I'm afraid that I'm going to get my heart broken again, and the fear of hurting her because I'm 'with' someone. We've talked about all of this, and I know that it hurts her but she also told me that she wants me to be happy. She is more worried that I will stop being her friend. Which won't be happening. Of course I don't totally know what the hell is going on with this new relationship, it like most things in my life is so damn complicated. Its like nothing in my life is easy. I worry about what will happen, even though it won't help me to. Then of course there is my state of mind. I'm finally willing to admit that I'd depressed. I have been for a long time, and with my divorce it only intensified. Work hasn't helped with any of this. I've just got to the point that I don't really care anymore. I've on a couple of occasions wanted to just drive off the road. I've had to stop driving and just sit on the side of the road. I've also have called people to just talk while I'm driving. The urge isn't going away, and I am thinking that its only getting worse. I'm trying to get better, but admitting that I'm depressed and then actually doing something about it are different things. I have everyone worried about me and I don't mean to have them so worried about me. I wish they wouldn't.
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