strike
So a lot of stuff has happened in the short span of a month. Most of it isn't good either. Then again that is just how my life seems to work. I came home knowing that it wasn't the same as it was before I moved away for years earlier. I'd be stupid to think that it would be, but to what I came back to is like a slap in the face. At the age of 25 I am facing having to work on my parents will, my mothers disability claims, their living trust and a couple more things that no child should have to deal with until like never. I worry about so many things now I don't think my body knows how to relax, so I'm this tight bundled stress ball. Not to mention that I am very suicidal again. Started to creep up slowly, the smallest of thoughts to now I really shouldn't be sleeping with a gun case of 9 different, loaded guns. It would just be too easy. Whats stopping me? Hell if I truly know anymore. What I can tell you is the second my mother dies and all the arrangements she wanted for her 'funeral' I'll have a bullet in my head. More if I can actually manage. Going through all of this alone isn't good. I don't know who I can turn to that will actually give a shit about it. I don't trust half my friends, most of them stabbed me in the back so why would I? And its not like my boyfriend is there for me either, don't know why I still say he is my boyfriend. He for the last couple of weeks has barely acknowledged me. Blows off seeing me saying he is sick or whatnot. Is it so fucking wrong of me to want some stability in my life of chaos? I guess it is since nothing is in the world of chaos that has swallowed me whole and will not let go. Might just be a good idea to have a bullet in my head. Won't care or feel a damn thing I do now.
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