Lost in thoughts

I wish that I knew where to begin. I get so lost inside my head it gets confusing what is reality and what isn't. I want to know why I can't let myself open up like I used to. I guess that I am afraid that I am going to get hurt more. I can't take anymore getting hurt, I'm already so broken. I struggle to put myself back together and then get torn apart again. I'm on the brink of just closing in on myself and just not letting any more people in and not letting me out. Its got to the point where my mind and thoughts affect my every day life and work. I got to the point where I just wanted everything to end right then and there. No more thoughts that brought pain and no more feeling useless. One that day I managed to get everything taken away from me that would cause me any danger. I was taken to the E.R. by my best friend and we were there for 6 hours. She and I spent the time talking about how I can manage to be by myself at home while I am working on this load of crap in my life. We've made a plan that I'm not allowed to touch my medications, she is the one that doles them out to me in the morning. I started to going back to weekly appointments with my therapist. I am on medical leave from work until she deems me fit and okay to go back to work. Right now I am stuck in a rut and I need to find out why I am stuck here. We will be working on this harder. I can't be like this.