A lot of my entries will probably be about the same person or situation time and again cause I've yet to get over them and I learned a lot from them....and.....I have too much time to think of my past and future because I can't seem to get a steady job....:/.....or a new interest....
One of the reasons for my making an account again on here was because everyone on fb has moved on....they either have a new job or just soo many new and exciting things happening to them..for them...around them....that I feel stuck and pathetic....I have tried to get a job...I'm still trying...but either my applications don't get picked....I don't pass the interviews (which I study for and seem to do well in)...I get put on a waiting list because of not having enough experience and as time passes its becoming harder....the agencies I've applied to give me one day jobs (and I do very well according to the english speaking supervisors who rush to make sure they can call me back....when the spanish only speaking leads say they don't need me tomarrow...) and then they don't call back...I'm starting to believe all those coworkers, leads, and supervisors are lieing to me to save my feelings or something....:/....why else would I keep getting passed up?
Anywayz I have a plan...I'm going back to school in the fall/winter and hoping financial aid will help pay for the classes soo I can work at a library....if I do well in community college, I'm hoping I can then move on to continuing school towards becoming a librarian....I love books...I spent a big portion of my free time at the library to get away from home when I had no choice but to be available all the time for my family...it was nearby and if they needed me they could call the library and I could be home in 7-11 minutes....I timed myself...its a dream of mine now to work at a library....I never knew what I wanted to do with my life until just the beginning of this year....it was like a lightbulb went on...lol.
The agency I applied to last week isn't calling still...(like I said before)...but as much as I am ashamed to say...I don't really care if they do at this point....I don't know if its my fear of who or what I'll be working for, if I can still do a tough physical type job, the lack of prep on my part (gas, lunch, clothing...etc because they call last minute), or because I've gotten soo used to being without a job that I now have no motivation....=/
A major part of me wants a job...but I'm in 'insecure fuck it' mode....I know I need a job but am I ready again to be thrusts into a work environment where I may or may not do well in since I've lost a lot of muscle over the past few months because of inactivity....I can feel how weak I've become...doing simple tasks gots me tired....don't get me wrong..I've been here before...and I can push myself...but if I find myself hating my job...will I really want to?...the agencies don't always send you to the job you'd be good at but to the job that is desperate for workers....
My last two jobs kinda sucked. The first being at a packaging job...where I basically stuffed paper, at a fast pace, into purses...that's all I did for the entire shift...my hands, nails, fingers, lower arms, and neck were in soo much pain...I was glad they didn't keep me. Even tho a small prideful part was pissed that because I couldn't speak spanish...I was let go. I played happy...I worked hard and kept up with the regular workers...I found a way to communicate with everyone....but...because it was a spanish speaking job only...I was out of luck...and I had asked the agency if my inability to speak spanish was gonna be a problem when they called me for the job...they told me no.....it was fine. I was about to apply to another agency that day too because it took them over a month to process me through and after calling every day and being told not yet....I gave up on them....
They never called back after that one day job either...smh.
Next job was also a packaging job but atleast to put me with two bilingual guys who were fun but hardworking. I liked them they were cool. One helped me a lot without me asking...even tho I insisted I didn't need it...(which I didn't btw..)...he was just one of those guys. Anyways I thought the job went well...but it was kinda boring. I labelled and set up boxes for the 2 guys the whole time. The supervisor kept talking to me through the whole thing but I kept up my pace used to this sort of thing and finished before checking out time. The lead man kinda left me alone cause he only spoke spanish and didn't seem to want to deal with me.
The supervisor kept telling me I should go to school and get a career...that not to depend on warehouse work....its not enough money in his opinion...that a young girl like me could do better...I told him I had bills to pay...I was taking care of my grandpa and needed the work....and told him I was 27 (at the time)....and not soo young...as he thought. He was surprised...so were the 2 young guys I was working with....I really don't get it...but ok. He still insisted I go to school and I agreed but at that moment I needed work...
Not sure if I should of been creeped out by his attention or if he was just being nice...I can't tell anymore...I just know that those back support belts make me show my chestiness...and you never know if people are being nice cause of that or not...not that I wasn't fully covered...I'm professional....you won't catch me showing cleavage.......well...there was that brief time I worked with Al but that was cause I needed to buy work appropriate clothes...I couldn't help the fact that the hangers kept getting caught on my shirts pulling them down....while I was counting up inventory with Al.....caught Al looking tho...and I was waay heavier then...I think he's a boob man...and couldn't help it....anyways I remedied that as soon as I got a check I could use towards tshirts....
Anywho...When I clocked out the supervisor wanted me to return...but the lead man said he didn't need me further....
I've yet to have a job since!
Agencies and apps are just not working out...I've gotten 2 interviews since then....2! So yeah I've been pretty down...and ontop of that...my unfortunate experience with talking to a guy that was interested in me going nowhere....and knowing the guy I do like doesn't even care to have me as a friend at the very least since he would never be anything else...but it leaves me wondering if he knew that I liked him and he sorta used that to keep me happy at work..by saying certain things...like calling me his everything...and his girl...but then I tell myself I'm reading too much into things.......
I've been having a pity party....I don't care to tell my family over and over how unhappy I am because at the moment...I have no real motivation....well that's not true...writing this is actually getting me motivated soo that's something....its still early and I think I'm gonna go to the library...I've been home most days...or in the car...I think going to the library is what I need...I can use their computers...and maybe find something worth finding....my cellphone can only do soo much and it freezing makes me unmotivated to search sites for job leads....
Ugh...but I hate being around all those noisy lil teens...they bump into you...talk loudly next to your ears, lean on your chair or swing it or tap on it, or they claim your chair when its your time to use the computer....oh well its a means to an end...
My life is incredibly boring...I need to change that. There are people who think I need to get laid...one girl I worked with said she was gonna take me out to do just that....apparently I'm too easily stressed....and need to 'loosen' up....whatevas....:p... |
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