My biological sister

I have to back up to several key moments in our lives.  Our mother passed away when we were 5 and 7 years old.  We got along as can be expected up until we became teenagers.  She has more of an external personality whereas I have more of an internal one.  We are the same at heart but we react to things like night and day.  She lashes out and I ice people out.  That is the quick way to explain our relationship from my ages of 12-17 years old.  It slowly but steadily got better from my ages of 17-37 years old due to the birth of her 3 precious but aggravating kids.  (Sidenote: Those kids are the apples of my eye.)

That catches everyone up until about 3 years ago.  I had a job opportunity drop into my lap out of nowhere.  It was one I would not have pursued but I am loving every moment of it.  I kept the news of it away from everyone before I interviewed for the job.  I was internally processing a lot of insecurity and anxiety regarding it.  I did end up randomly telling her about the opportunity and how I was feeling about the job possibility.   She was the only family member I told  about it pre-interview day.  At first she was acting supportive, which I do appreciate.  Her opinion does mean a lot to me.  However, she then slid into the territory of rude and hateful (regarding myself).  I tried to laugh and push it away at first.  I did end up having to just abruptly end the conversation to keep from saying something I should not, because I was getting mad.  If you get me past my icy period, I do heat up like a volcano and spew shit violently.  I was reaching that stage and had to force a freeze before the ice cracked.  

Fast forward to about 1.5 years ago.  Our grandma had a major health concern.  I was scared and anxious.  I am personally unable to get to where she lives so I sicced my sister on her.  Grandma acted like it was not a big deal, like she had with me.  She would not accept the way my sister wanted to help.  Honestly, it was all for the best since so much shit has gone down from there.  Grandma is still kicking and spicy as hell.  I love that woman!  

I cannot and will not share the recent back story regarding my sister because that is her story.  I do not know all the details.  It looks bad from my angle however.  I love her and have dethawed regarding our interaction above.  I do not think she has.  And, if she has, there seems to be something else holding her back away from everyone who loves her.  I am here whenever she wants to welcome us back into her life.

I say all that to explain how the, hopefully temporary, loss of my sister is expounding the loss of my cousin (who was like a little sister to me). I already had a hole in my heart but it is now oozing acid and salt crystals.  I know that is a rough visual but it explains it perfectly.  I just want my sister back.  I miss her terribly.  I needed the bear hug I thrust up on her at Emma's funeral.  It would have meant the world to me if she had returned it but I did not expect it.  She apparently did not even hug her own daughter back that day.  We all miss having her in our lives. 

When even her own children choose someone above her, you know it is bad....even though you know they have to miss her.  I am just leaving that out here by itself.

As for that job opportunity, obviously I got the job.  I have been teaching art for 3 years now.  It is a struggle sometimes but I do love it overall.  Fyi, my grandma was the only other person I told about the job before I heard that I had gotten it.  It was only after I had gotten the good news that I shared anything with others.  

Okay, I am all talked out.  Have a great day everyone.--Your friendly neighborhood iceberg, Robyn