To see the lamentations of their women...

12/04/2010

I'm dumb.

There are times when I'd say that this was self evident and end with a "'nuff said", but it's this whole old girlfriend business.

I haven't seen her in well over 17 years. And I mean literally "seen", because the last time I had a line of sight of her was June 26, 1993 as she drove past me on North 43rd avenue in Phoenix. (Yes, I remember the exact date)

I may have mentioned her at some point before. Not in any depth...there was pain involved. "We" didn't end well, you see. A lot of it was on me. Of course, "it takes two to tango", and I finally realized that not everything was my fault sometime in 2001 (Look back to the first sentence of this post).

So, we've been catching up. She got married, had a kid, got divorced, started her own business, and is doing pretty well for herself. There's other stuff, of course. Neat stuff that I'm not going to go into, but it just spits back to me that she and I might have been...really... and since we've been talking I also realize that she didn't "want" me.

Not in the "she wasn't into" me... we were very "very", if you get my meaning. No, she wanted 1. Someone older, 2. Someone who could provide (eg wealthy) --- and probably something else, but I didn't fit 1 or 2, so except for some rather pleasant bump and grind, I was out of the running. That was on her end...I wanted to marry her. I wanted her to be the mother of my children (I have since decided kids ain't for me). I looked at the long-term future. Pity that where I am now IS that future.

Me be kinda dumb... Still feel stuff. Isn't there a time limit on this stupid adolescent longing bull-shit? Shouldn't I be well and truly over her? I'm married. I have many things that make me happy, and my wife is one of those. So, very candidly, What the Fuck?

I'll tell you what the fuck, my friends. More than 17 years ago, deep in the untouched reaches of a lock-box in my heart, I married that woman. And I never divorced her there. I have also lost the key to that box. So, I feel for her. I can't undo that.

I do have the sense to not continue in my stupidity. I have not, upon reconnecting with her, called her, or jumped on a plane to Jersey to see her, or done anything like get divorced. No. And I won't. She's not the only thing in my world anymore. As Yoda once said, "There is another".

Still, it would be nice to get a hug from her. She gave great hugs.

I'm so dumb.