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Blur....
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Wow. I could totally relate to this...every single word. Sometimes I have trouble realizing who I really am...and if I really am that person or if I am pretending to be...it's weird.
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[~*Jodi*~ ]
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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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Do you ever find that when someone is getting to know you, that it comes off in layers, like peeling an onion, so to speak? They know a certain part of you, then as time progresses, they get to know more and more until they know the whole you... but in my case, I don't know who has ever made it all the way through to the core and who has peeled away all of the layers... Even the guy I was with for 8 years doesn't know me as well as he thinks that he does. My mom seems to think that it is that we 'save' a piece of ourselves that nobody else knows so that even if the other person leaves us, we can still feel like there was that piece of us left that they didn't know and therefore didn't hurt. Does that make sense to you?
Then sometimes it's also hard when you know that the person doesn't know the real you - or all there is to you - but then they reject you anyway based on what they know and you want to say "but you don't really know me"...only they've already walked away because they don't like what part of you they have seen at that point, and you know that if they just stuck around for a bit longer and saw more then they'd really like you more.
I know who I am, but I do not feel like facing that person most of the time - or actually doing anything to change who that person is. I have accepted her. I have accepted who I am for the most part, and that I am a very unique individual. There are many sides, many faces, to me - and it's hard to let someone see all of those faces.
I know what you mean about feeling like a fraud though but it's not because you don't know who you are or don't like who you are. It's because we tend to cover up the parts of ourselves that are most painful to see with a mask in a way.
I'm rambling and not making much sense, am I? lol.
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[~*Jodi*~]
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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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RYC: Part of the reason I sent you the link again, is because it answers your question of why. Why do you have to pay for the sins of the father, why does Cam have to pay for things you should have fixed, why is it you that's responsible for making up for things that were done TO YOU. There's a certain peace in knowing why, so you can stop wasting time asking the question and actually do something about it.
Flowers... @;}-
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[Exiled Wanderer]
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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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http://www.friggasweb.org/renewal.html
You can help others for the exact reason why you can't help yourself. Distance. It's like trying to smell your own smell. You're so used to it, you can't perceive it.
It is both easier and harder to see through your own masks. From the inside, when you can see the seams and cheats, it's easy to wonder why everyone can't see through it, why nobody can hear you scream. But when you're lying to yourself, you're the one person who CAN'T see through it, when everyone else is calling you on it... well, of course... it isn't them it was built for.
You're born alone, you live alone and you die alone. Not only are you the only person you HAVE to please, you're the only person you CAN. You are the only person who you can depend on, and you are the only constant in your own life.
Last comment. Think on this: "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Flowers... @};-
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[Exiled Wanderer]
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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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You think you need other people to like you because you do not like yourself, and you think you are a fraud?
Oh. Everyone has that going on in their heads.
I do too.
Hello!
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[Tracie the Red]
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One of those moments
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That's so awesome. It makes all of the difficult moments about being a parent bearable some days. I'm glad you had that 
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[Saoirse! ]
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The weekend that was...
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RYC: It really was random. I've just been in a story telling mood recently, what with the getting to know Shiny thing, and after seeing that look of rage in his eyes for the millionth time, it just occurred to me that I probably should get more upset that pretty much every guy I've been in a room alone with (or not even alone) has been massively inappropriately and unconsentingly sexual with me. (Not everyone, not you obviously nor Russ or him, but as far as percentages go, pretty damned near nearly)
And then I realized how little it phased me last few times it's happened, and how that's probably not healthy.
Nothing's happened recently, promise.
Flowers... @};-
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[Exiled Wanderer]
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the girl with the red hat....simple and complicated all
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ryc: It doesn't make any sense why he'd have called yesterday, or at all really. I had no intentions of ever making contact with him again. It hurts too much. Part of me wants to see if he'll ever call again, and part of me just wants to call him and see if we could talk, but I know better, I guess... I guess I'm a hopeless romantic. Somehow I think that if it's meant to be, it will be, and if it's true love then nothing could stand in its way, but...I guess that's not really realistic.
I never imagined that I would have to stop loving him. I mean, honestly, I thought he'd be there for me forever, and wanted him to be. Now that I have wrapped my head around the fact that I HAVE to stop loving him for my own sanity and to move on with my life with someone else, he calls?????????
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[~*Jodi*~]
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A mayhaps unusual but interesting way to honour my Fath
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What religion are you? (If you don't mind me asking...)
I am very sorry that your dad's girlfriend (or, former girlfriend in this case actually since he has passed away) did not contact you about his death.
Perhaps you should name your son - if you ever have one - Robert instead of changing your last name... just a thought.
Hope you are doing well.
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[~*Jodi*~]
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The things we can do....
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 good luck.
that would be a interesting...
i have seen a psycologist before... they are helpful.
its awesome.
<3
`Just Me
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[~raena]
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tough call....
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You had written an entry about your step-dad, but I think you made it private or something... I had written you a long note on it, but it wouldn't accept the note because you deleted the entry, etc. but I just wanted to let you know that I had a very similar childhood experience with my stepdad from age 2-20 who abused me and told me everyday that nobody would ever love me and I would never amount to anything. Because I am a female, it manifested itself in poor relationship choices and doing things that I shouldn't do for whatever reasons and hurting people - because people do learn what they live. Children become what they are taught. You can't hear those things every day for 18 years and NOT believe them deep in your subconscious. It doesn't matter how many times you think that you have "worked through them"... somehow, they are still there. It comes out in the anger that I saw in your entry, and in other ways in me, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone, and I know exactly how you feel in that respect. I don't know that it helps or makes you feel any better, but I just wanted to let you know anyway.
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[~*Jodi*~]
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Loading...
RYC: I agree! =) How are you? xo
Sounds interesting. Wouldnt mind attending one of those sometime, just to see what its like.
