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Breakdowns
Back when I was in HS, I had pretty bad depression. Nothing was ever really done about it and I did the best I could with my life. My dad didn't understand what I was going through, I think he just thought that I was a girl and this was just part of growing up lol. But it was much worse than he knew.
After HS when I was working and had my own insurance (about age 19) I decided it was time to see a doctor. I was put on medication and I can honestly say that I think it was working. People around me noticed that I was different and I felt different too. For whatever reason, I can't remember now, I didn't stay on it for long though. And that was the only time I've ever been on meds for that.
On and off these past 9 years I've gone in and out of depression. I know that I need to do something about it, but I really don't know how to go about it. At the clinic I work at, we have behavioral doctors who deal with these situations, but I don't want to talk to anyone that I work with about these things. Even though I know they can't say anything legally, they still don't need to know that much about me lol.
So yesterday was a bad day. We had a meeting after work and my boss explained to us some new scheduling that may or may not occur. None of it was really that big of a deal, but for some reason in my head I was so upset about it. After the meeting my boss asked to see me in her office, uh oh. She asked why I was so upset, and I just started to cry. I told her that I wasn't really upset about the scheduling, I don't even know how that's going to work. But it's everything. I told her that I feel like I live at that clinic and I just feel so worn down. I feel so stupid for the way I acted in front of her. She gave me on theory on why I might be feeling this way, and maybe she's right, but who knows.
On my way home, after the meeting, I kept feeling like crying and I did a little. I didn't talk too much after I got home, and kinda snapped at my husband for a few things. I don't mean to take things out on him, but I always do. And I find it really hard not to do it, I really need to work on that. Anyway, by 9:30 I was feeling really low and we were arguing about something, I don't remember what. He called me a moron and then tried to say he didn't, so I just went to bed. As I'm going into the bedroom he's like "Why are you going to bed? You're just gonna pout about it like a little baby?" Sometimes he can be such an ass. I'm sorry, but when he calls me names, yeah it hurts. Even stupid ones like "moron".
So I laid in bed and tried to sleep, but that didn't happen. And I came to the realization that I have no one, and I mean no one, to talk to. My husband absolutely doesn't understand what I'm going through. He proved that when he came to bed and asked why I've "been a jerk all night". He always wants me to tell him whats wrong, but I can't usually say exactly what's wrong because I don't know! So I tried to tell him that last night and all he says is "then go get on some meds!" in a voice like he's tired of hearing me say that. I told him that this is exactly why I don't tell him anything, because he just doesn't get it and there's no point to talk about it when you are always saying the same things. He got mad and said that I don't understand him either and he bottles things up just like I do, rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel incredibly alone. When I'm sad, I can't talk to him. He gets mad when I say things like that. And when I'm feeling upset about this whole baby situation, I have no one to turn to either. There isn't anyone I know who is going through, or has gone through, what I am. Everyone in my life has had it very easy when it come to babies. Seriously, everyone.
Okay, this was a LONG entry and I'm sorry lol. I have to go to work (again!) so if you made it through, thank you!! 
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*hugs* I suffer with depression on and off too so I understand. It's so hard when you don't feel like you have the support you need.
I suffer from depression pretty much chronically and it sucks going through it and we always tend to take it out on the one person closest to us. As for feeling alone... I feel alone often and daily... and it sucks also. My husband gets upset when I say I don't feel like I can talk to him though he offers all the time (because I don't want to burden him anymore than I already have over the years)...*hugs*.
