"First you get to human level.
Run right through your bullshit petals.
Long, slow rope is hanging.
Now we know what's coming.
Oh, Superman.
Where have you gone?"
So the laxative thing had unexpected results.
She knocks on my door at roughly 4:30pm
The she says it.
"I think the Lord is trying to tell me I'm goin' to hell if I don't go to church tonight."
I'm snickering already, but I have no idea what's in store.
"I think the Lord afflicted me with the runs cause I haven't been goin' to church lately. I ain't never had it this bad in 85 years."
It took it a second to register,
and then I thought I was gonna shit my pants I laughed so hard.
So I tell my sister.
"I put laxative in Grandma's coffee, and now she thinks its divine diarrhea as punishment for not going to church lately."
I get nothing back.
Then my dad calls.
"Okay, the laxative was funny. But did you have to do it on a sunday?"
I overhear my mom ask him "what?"
He tells her.
She HOWLS with laughter. Then I return to my laughing fit.
And I calm down.
I'm taking deep breaths.
And my grandma says, "Are you talkin to somebody about my diarrhea problem?"
Then I lose all self control.
"Well now what did I say? Was it just cause I said diarrhea? Who is that?"
My sides and face hurt from laughing and I may pee at any second.
"Grandma could you stop friggin saying diarrhea? It's dad."
"Well your father of all people oughtta know not to laugh about people's havin' diarrhea."
Upon hearing this, my dad goes,
"Dump the rest of the bottle in there tomorrow. And feed her breakfast burritos with Tobasco so it'll burn, too."
I died.
Yes. It was so epic that I had to write an entry about it.
|
Loading...