"Oh, Superman. What have you done?"
So I've been doing some thinking about whatever is in my room. I have another side, an evil side that I drown with steady jokes and marijuana. When I cry, my face doesn't move. Tears fall and that's it. Nothing else. Nada. Its like half of me is missing. What if this other side of me, this side that I haven't shown in years, has physically manifested itself as a poltergeist? Sounds far-fetched, but if you saw and heard the things everyone does in my room, and knew me, I mean really KNEW me, it would seem logical as well. When tragedy strikes, I get upset. But then I go over to my friend's house and track down some weed and everything is all better. I laugh instantly. But I'm beginning to think that's what caused all this. I need to deal with things instead of just making jokes about them and bleeding myself on occasion. I think that's how I can make it go away. Speaking of Dark Sides, I'm highly surprised no one I knew from before has discovered me here and pegged me as Missa's husband yet. Usually it doesn't take this long before my past catches up with me. I'm waiting...
And now for something completely different. I wish I could sing in front of people. I really do. I can play guitar in front of people just fine. So why does my voice catch in my throat when I sing publicly? I played and sang a beautiful acoustic version of Endlessly, She Said by AFI, and thought to myself, "I have real, raw talent." But I can't use it. I'm like a soldier who can't fire a rifle. And it frustrates me. It's such a perfect, unabridged way to express myself, but something in me cuts it off. There are two possibilities. Maybe subconsciously I'm afraid if I open too large of a door to my soul, unintended things will slip through. Or, option two, my dad made fun of me so bad for singing when I was little that it instilled a phobia in by brain. Either way, it frustrates me. So many ways to express how I feel without speaking. So many beautiful songs. Demolition Lovers. Dolphins Cry. Play Crack The Sky. Dumb. Glycerine. I can play, and sing, every song I find beautiful. But I can never show anyone. God damn me. |
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